Living
Queery: Shirley Hayden
20 questions for the lesbian author
The coming out process took unexpected turns for lesbian author Shirley Hayden. The 50-year-old Lexington, Ky., native told her mother at age 9 she was gay, a proclamation that was met with near indifference. Hayden, who had little social context for being gay in the South, eventually married a man as a young woman and had twin sons. But she quickly realized the straight married life wasn’t for her.
“I just didn’t like it,” she says. “There was something inside of me that it just didn’t work. And it’s not that I hate men. I love men and have many wonderful men in my life. I just didn’t like being married to one.”
Eventually the same adage she brought to her writing career — “I don’t believe in fear,” she says — enabled her to roll with the punches in other areas. She’d never had a conversation with her young sons about being a lesbian but realized they knew what was going on by the time they were in kindergarten. Caught unexpected by show and tell one day because the teacher changed the day, they shared with the class that their mother was gay. She chuckles at the memory now but says it brought unsettling aspects with it. A cousin who was in their class used an anti-gay slur in reference to Hayden to her sons.
“It’s amazing,” she says. “This baby could barely spell his name and he knows words like that? What kind of hatred are we teaching?” Hayden, as always, found refuge in her writing. Inspired by two teachers when she was in seventh grade, she had a small poetry collection published at age 12. She’s since written 11 more books in various genres and is conducting a series of writer’s workshops for LGBT authors every Saturday through the end of the month at lesbian-owned Sisterspace and Books (3717 Georgia Ave., N.W.; www.sisterspacedc.com).
She discovered the shop during a visit to see author/teacher Nikki Giovanni here a few years ago and fell in love with the store because it gave shelf space to writers of color. Her current project is a screenplay called “The Women of Nelson,” which is set in a Civil War-era Army camp in Kentucky (www.shirleyhayden.us). Hayden works as a consultant and grant writer when she’s not doing her own writing. She enjoys spending time in libraries, volunteering, walking, running, Sudoku and sunbathing in her spare time. She also enjoys hearing her now-27-year-old sons’ perspectives on politics and the world. She’s single and lives in D.C.’s Ft. Lincoln neighborhood in Northeast.
How long have you been out and who was the hardest person to tell?
I have never had a problem telling anyone that I am a lesbian. I have been out since age 9. Funny story; I would come home from spending the summers at my grandmother’s every year and tell mama that I was gay. She would respond, “That’s nice, go out and play with your brothers and sisters.” When I turned 18 I just stopped talking about it. At that point she asked if I was still gay. My response was that I was, but I felt she was just going to tell me to go outside and play anyway. And incidentally, I am one of 13 children, born to the same mother and father, and I have two gay brothers as well.
Who’s your gay hero?
Audre Lorde, Terri Jewell, May Sarton, Sapphire, and Alice Walker, Grace Paley, Adrienne Rich are my “sheroes.”
What’s Washington’s best nightspot, past or present?
My favorite D.C. hotspot is actually Sisterspace Books but we need to work on their Wi-fi connectivity. I love meeting writers in the D.C. public libraries to write as well. Libraries across the USA have always been my safe places to write. I have logged more hours in libraries across the country than most people have logged through volunteerism. Additionally, my favorite hotspot is my porch, nachos at LACE, and Busboys and Poets on 5th and K.
What’s your dream gay wedding?
I want to marry in the District. I so want to get married as soon as possible, but my challenge is I cannot marry by myself. My ideal dream wedding would be somewhere on water, but how many watersheds do we have in D.C.? I see myself married, happy, barefoot, but never pregnant. I want to wake up to her morning breath, share night sweats, wear her slippers when traveling, curl up and read together, pray together and do our own particular “nasty” together.
What non-gay issue are you most passionate about?
I would respond racism, but it is certainly a gay issue as well. And so are sexism, volunteerism and mentoring. Well maybe the role of women in the church. Oh wait, I guess that intersection could be homophobia. OK, so my answer will be historical: “I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.”
What historical outcome would you change?
Well Barrack Obama is in the White House, but I think I would continue to change the notion of being “the first anything based upon race, gender or creed or orientation, you know the infamous clause we still use.
What’s been the most memorable pop culture moment of your lifetime?
Most memorable would be the Jackson 5 and oddly, the death of Michael.
On what do you insist?
I insist on being un-bossed and un-bought. Shirley Chisholm, a woman who ran for president back in 1972 — she’s the one who coined that term. Always lived by that philosophy.
What was your last Facebook post or Tweet?
My last Facebook post was in celebration of my newest book, “Coming Out Loud.”
If your life were a book, what would the title be?
“Adam Can’t Take This Rib Back”
If science discovered a way to change sexual orientation, what would you do?
I would pray that I never encountered this science because I like being a lesbian woman; however I would like to tinker with the machinery long enough to eradicate racism, sexism and homophobia.
What do you believe in beyond the physical world?
I always say that, “when hell freezes over, I will skate.” I believe in a lot of things beyond this world but I believe heaven is right here on earth and I believe also in the continuance of it beyond this world.
What’s your advice for LGBT movement leaders?
I have no issues with LGBTQ leaders, however my advice would be to follow. To get behind the movement and push/motivate/inspire/teach/train new leadership to be the forefront.
What would you walk across hot coals for?
I would not walk across hot coals for anything. But I might be encouraged to dance along the edges if I had the opportunity to meet my future mate and life partner.
What gay stereotype annoys you most?
My response will probably inspire debate, discussion, formalization of a nation think tank, new ad-hoc committees and I am sure a few pies thrown in my face, but the stereotype that most annoys me is the women, who bleed like all women, but who believe they are somehow “boys” like my brothers. They are not and I do not care what in the hell they wear in support of trying to be boys or men. Walking like a duck don’t make you a duck.
What’s your favorite gay movie?
People who know me know that one of the areas in which I need to improve is media, particularly movies and even watching TV. Up until about a year ago I did not own a TV and now I am sometimes viewed as the sistah from another planet because movies now in my purview are 10 to 20 years old now. But in answer to the question, I do not think I have a favorite gay movie. The jury is still out on that one.
What’s the most overrated social custom?
This is a hot button topic for me. I think the most overrated social custom is returning text messages every time one of my friends texts me to say they are going to the bathroom. I just do not care and do not want to know about it. I guess if they have fallen off the side of a mountain and they text for help then I may be able to make an exception. But I would expect for them to call 911 for assistance. I get text messages while I am in church. I guess it is telling on me that I allow them to indulge in this behavior with me. Perhaps after today, I will receive fewer messages. I should hope. Additionally, I just do not enjoy Facebook and Twitter for the same reasons. I guess we should hold an all-day summit to address that.
What trophy or prize do you most covet?
I long to win literary awards such as the Pulitzer, but I will settle for more honorable mentions in a new sub-culture where people do not appear to read as much anymore.
What do you wish you’d known at 18?
I wish I had known at 18 that the Internet was coming. I would not have saved so many paper files and newspapers.
Why Washington?
Because I grew up in a farming community and there was no bus and town was where you went on Sunday for church. I have lived in many places, but I live in D.C. because I love, love, love being surrounded by so many diverse people and cultural events. There is always something to do in the District.
Autos
Sporty sedans: BMW 530i xDrive, Mercedes AMG CLA 3
Tariffs are here and the result is financial chaos
It’s official: Tariffs are here, and the result is financial chaos.
So, what to do when purchasing a new vehicle? If you need one in the not-so-distant future, buy sooner (like yesterday) rather than later. Expect prices to rise quickly, as inventory dwindles, demand soars, and automaker incentives evaporate. Of course, if a new ride isn’t a priority for at least a year or three, then hold off until the dust settles.
But for those of you looking for new wheels now, I recently drove two sport sedans that were a pleasant reprieve from the usual plethora of pickups, minivans, and SUVs.
BMW 530i xDRIVE
$63,000
MPG: 28 city/35 highway
0 to 60 mph: 5.5 seconds
Cargo space: 18.4 cu. ft.
PROS: Rakish looks. Race-car vibe. Rock-star amenities.
CONS: Rad-but-quirky infotainment system. Rich price.
IN A NUTSHELL: Classic good looks, from the iconic grille and swept-back headlights to chiseled side panels and a tasteful tush. For a gearhead like me, the BMW 530i xDrive — completely redesigned last year — is as rapturous as Michelangelo’s David. Everything here is in proportion, from the design to the drivetrain, which — along with a gutsy 255-hp turbo and all-wheel drive — helps deliver a divine experience behind the wheel. Even better, my test car came equipped with the heavenly M-Sport Package: 21-inch wheels, athletic suspension, and assorted styling upgrades.
A tech-laden cabin is outfitted with a sparkly 12.3-inch digital instrument cluster and 14.9-inch touchscreen infotainment system. With the windshield head-up display and a slew of knobs and toggle switches in the center console and on the steering wheel, I wondered if this is how it feels to pilot the Space Shuttle. There is even a back-lit interaction bar with touch-sensitive controls to adjust vent direction and other climate control settings.
All this gadgetry takes some getting used to, but the overall effect is dazzling. While a 12-speaker Harman Kardon stereo comes standard, I was jammin’ to the 16-speaker Bowers & Wilkins premium audio. Of course, such options add up quickly (on my test car, the extras totaled $13,000).
Just how fun is this car? In my favorite episode of “Hacks,” sassy Jean Smart drives a rockin’ Rolls Royce Wraith. Trust me, this four-door BMW is every bit the badass as that $300,000 super coupe.
MERCEDES AMG CLA 35
$58,000
MPG: 22 city/29 highway
0 to 60 mph: 4.8 seconds
Cargo space: 11.6 cu. ft.
PROS: Slick styling. Spiffy cabin. Sublime seats.
CONS: Smallish trunk. So-so rear headroom and legroom.
IN A NUTSHELL: Need a smaller sedan that’s just as marvy as the midsize BMW i530? Look no further than the compact Mercedes CLA-Class, which is 14 inches shorter. That’s a benefit when jockeying for parking or navigating rush hour.
Another plus: This is Mercedes’s least expensive sedan, available in three trim levels. All come with the same potent turbo but in varying power levels. The base model starts at $46,000, but I tested the first of two high-performance versions: the AMG CLA 35, which costs $12,000 more. You can open your wallet even further to snag the $67,000 AMG CLA 45.
But why bother? The AMG CLA 35 is plenty quick — faster than the BMW i530 — and boasts sport-tuned brakes, deft handling and a gritty-sounding exhaust system. The laundry list of standard features includes all-wheel drive, automated parking, gobs of the latest safety gizmos and even something called “safe-exit assist,” which prevents passengers from opening a door into traffic or speeding cyclists.
The interior is pure Mercedes, with top-notch materials, customizable ambient lighting and Burmester surround-sound audio. The overall layout—sleek and modern, but with elegant stitching in the seats and on the door panels and dashboard—is comfortable and user-friendly. Digital displays and touchscreens are similar to what’s in the BMW i530, just smaller.
Size matters, of course, which is why this vehicle’s shorter length can be a blessing but also a curse, especially when trying to squeeze passengers with longer legs into the backseats. And the dramatically sloped roofline, attractive from the outside, limits the amount of rear headroom and cargo space. Thank the automotive gods for panoramic sunroofs, which—at least for anyone in the front seats—makes this cabin feel surprisingly spacious.
Real Estate
Spring updates to sell your home for pride and profit
Consider new landscaping, power washing, creative staging
Selling a home is a big deal for anyone, but for members of the LGBTQ+ community, it comes with unique considerations—from finding affirming professionals to ensuring your home is represented in a way that reflects your values. Whether you’re a first-time gay home seller or a seasoned LGBTQ+ homeowner looking to move up, maximizing your home’s value is key to a successful and empowering sale.
Here’s how to prepare your home, your mindset, and your real estate strategy to get the most value—financially and emotionally—from your home sale.
1. Start with an LGBTQ+-Friendly Real Estate Agent
Before diving into renovations or staging, make sure your agent truly understands your needs. A gay-friendly or LGBTQ+-affirming real estate agent brings more than just market expertise—they bring cultural competence, safety awareness, and a network that supports you throughout the selling process.
At GayRealEstate.com, you can find experienced, vetted LGBTQ+ real estate agents who have been proudly serving the community for over 30 years. Working with someone who shares or supports your identity ensures your selling journey is respectful, inclusive, and effective.
2. Enhance Curb Appeal—With a Welcoming Vibe
The outside of your home is the first impression a potential buyer gets. Make it count—especially for LGBTQ+ buyers looking for a home that feels safe and welcoming.
- Fresh landscaping: Add colorful flowers, neatly trimmed shrubs, or low-maintenance greenery to appeal to eco-conscious buyers.
- Update the entrance: A new front door, stylish lighting, or even a rainbow doormat can make your home feel like a safe space from the start.
- Clean and repair: Power wash the exterior, touch up paint, and make any necessary repairs to gutters, windows, or siding.
3. Stage with Intention and Inclusivity
Home staging can add thousands to your sale price. But beyond the usual decluttering and neutral palettes, think about how your space tells a story—and who it’s telling it to.
- Create a warm, inclusive feel: Subtle touches like LGBTQ+ art, books, or even coffee table magazines can show off your personality and affirm the space for queer buyers.
- Depersonalize—but don’t erase: You don’t need to hide your identity to appeal to buyers. Let your home feel lived in and loved—while still being a blank canvas others can imagine themselves in.
- Highlight multi-use areas: Home offices, gender-neutral nurseries, or flex spaces resonate with LGBTQ+ families and professionals.
4. Update Kitchens and Bathrooms Strategically
These rooms matter most to buyers—and even small updates can yield big returns.
- Kitchen: New cabinet hardware, a fresh backsplash, and modern lighting can elevate the entire room without a full remodel.
- Bathroom: Replace old fixtures, re-caulk tubs and sinks, and add plush towels and inclusive décor.
- Energy-efficient upgrades: Touchless faucets, smart appliances, or low-flow toilets are not only trendy—they signal sustainability, which matters to LGBTQ+ buyers.
5. Make Your Home More Energy Efficient
LGBTQ+ homebuyers often prioritize sustainability. These updates not only reduce energy bills but make your home more marketable.
- Install a smart thermostat (like Nest or Ecobee)
- Upgrade insulation or windows
- Consider solar panels (especially in sun-drenched regions like California or Florida)
Bonus: You may qualify for state or federal tax credits, which can be a great selling point.
6. Know and Advocate for LGBTQ+ Housing Rights
Although housing discrimination is illegal under the Fair Housing Act, it still happens. As an LGBTQ+ seller, be aware of your rights—and those of potential buyers.
- Avoid steering or bias: Even with good intentions, make sure you’re not inadvertently influencing who views or buys your home based on identity.
- Work with affirming professionals: From inspectors to lenders, choose partners who support inclusive practices.
- Report discrimination: If you or a buyer encounters bias, report it to HUD or your local housing authority.
7. Price Your Home Right—and Market It Smartly
Setting the right price is essential to maximizing value. Your LGBTQ+-friendly agent can run a comparative market analysis, considering current trends and buyer demographics.
- Leverage LGBTQ+ real estate networks: Promote your home through platforms like GayRealEstate.com to reach an audience that understands and values your space.
- Use inclusive language in listings: Avoid gendered terms or heteronormative assumptions. Instead of “his and hers closets,” use “dual walk-ins” or “double closets.”
- High-quality photos and video tours: Showcase your home with professional, visually inclusive marketing that appeals to diverse buyers.
8. Consider Timing and Local LGBTQ+ Trends
Selling during WorldPride or just before local LGBTQ+ events may boost visibility. Also consider if you’re in or near an LGBTQ+ friendly city or neighborhood.
Not sure which areas are top destinations? GayRelocation.com tracks and shares the best cities for LGBTQ+ homebuyers, helping you tap into motivated buyers.
Final Thought: Sell with Confidence—and Community
Selling your home isn’t just about getting top dollar—it’s about closing a chapter with pride and integrity. When you center your values, work with LGBTQ+ affirming experts, and prepare your home with purpose, you’re not just maximizing your home’s value—you’re creating an empowering experience for yourself and the next owner.
Whether you’re buying, selling, or both—GayRealEstate.com is your trusted partner in every step of your journey. With a nationwide network of gay and lesbian realtors, decades of experience, and deep community ties, we ensure your home transition is safe, smart, and full of pride.
GayRealEstate.com is the nation’s leading online platform connecting LGBTQ+ home buyers and sellers with LGBTQ+ friendly real estate agents, ensuring a safe and supportive experience.
Scott Helms is president of GayRealEstate.com. To find an agent or learn more, visit GayRealEstate.com, GayRelocation.com or call 1-888-420-MOVE.
Real Estate
Navigating DMV real estate market during political unrest
Reductions in federal employment have introduced uncertainties
The Washington, D.C.-Maryland-Virginia (DMV) region has long been recognized for its robust housing market, underpinned by the presence of the federal government and a diverse economic landscape. Recent massive reductions in federal employment have introduced uncertainties, yet the area continues to offer compelling reasons for prospective homebuyers, particularly within diverse communities.
While the federal government has traditionally been a significant employer in the DMV, the region has proactively diversified its economic base. Sectors such as technology, professional services, education, and healthcare have expanded, mitigating the impact of federal job cuts. This diversification fosters some economic resilience, which offers our area a semblance of protection against the impending unknowns that we currently face. Nothing can shield real estate entirely; however, our area tends to survive these types of changes better than other parts of the country.
Despite concerns over federal layoffs, the DMV housing market has demonstrated notable stability. Analyses indicate that the number of active listings, sold properties, and median sales prices have remained steady on a year-over-year basis. This steadiness suggests that the market is adapting to changes without significant disruption.
Furthermore, while there has been a slight increase in home listings, this trend aligns with typical seasonal variations and does not solely reflect federal employment changes. The luxury property segment, in particular, continues to thrive, indicating sustained interest and investment in the region.
The DMV region is renowned for its cultural and demographic diversity, with areas like Montgomery County, Md., being among the most ethnically diverse in the nation. This inclusivity extends to various communities, including LGBTQ individuals, fostering a welcoming environment that enhances the area’s appeal. Even though the current administration is fostering anti-diversity ideology, I remain confident that our LGBTQ community will continue to thrive even as these destructive forces work against us.
Local governments within the DMV have implemented policies aimed at promoting affordable housing and preventing displacement, particularly in the wake of economic shifts. Initiatives like the Douglass Community Land Trust in Washington, D.C., exemplify efforts to maintain housing affordability and support community stability.
Additionally, jurisdictions such as Montgomery County have longstanding Moderately Priced Dwelling Unit (MPDU) programs that require developers to include affordable housing in new residential developments. These policies contribute to socioeconomically mixed neighborhoods, benefiting diverse populations.
Despite Elon Musk’s brandishing of a chainsaw to the federal workforce, our real estate market continues to thrive. The DMV region maintains its appeal. Economic diversification, market stability, commitment to diversity and inclusion, and progressive housing policies collectively contribute to an environment that supports and attracts diverse communities. Prospective homebuyers can find reassurance in the region’s resilience and ongoing efforts to foster an inclusive and vibrant community. These are only a few among the many reasons to have a positive outlook while considering real estate options in our area.
It is important to consider working with brokerages, brokers, agents, lenders and title companies who align with our community and our objectives. Not all LGBTQ agents work for brokerages that support or understand the needs of the members of our community. Do your research and find out who has donated money to what political causes. Now more than ever we must support members of our community to protect our way of life and our very existence.
Stacey Williams-Zeiger is president/principal broker of Zeiger Realty Inc. Reach her at [email protected].
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