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Queery: Shirley Hayden

20 questions for the lesbian author

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The coming out process took unexpected turns for lesbian author Shirley Hayden. The 50-year-old Lexington, Ky., native told her mother at age 9 she was gay, a proclamation that was met with near indifference. Hayden, who had little social context for being gay in the South, eventually married a man as a young woman and had twin sons. But she quickly realized the straight married life wasn’t for her.

“I just didn’t like it,” she says. “There was something inside of me that it just didn’t work. And it’s not that I hate men. I love men and have many wonderful men in my life. I just didn’t like being married to one.”

Eventually the same adage she brought to her writing career ā€” “I don’t believe in fear,” she says ā€” enabled her to roll with the punches in other areas. She’d never had a conversation with her young sons about being a lesbian but realized they knew what was going on by the time they were in kindergarten. Caught unexpected by show and tell one day because the teacher changed the day, they shared with the class that their mother was gay. She chuckles at the memory now but says it brought unsettling aspects with it. A cousin who was in their class used an anti-gay slur in reference to Hayden to her sons.

“It’s amazing,” she says. “This baby could barely spell his name and he knows words like that? What kind of hatred are we teaching?” Hayden, as always, found refuge in her writing. Inspired by two teachers when she was in seventh grade, she had a small poetry collection published at age 12. She’s since written 11 more books in various genres and is conducting a series of writer’s workshops for LGBT authors every Saturday through the end of the month at lesbian-owned Sisterspace and Books (3717 Georgia Ave., N.W.; www.sisterspacedc.com).

She discovered the shop during a visit to see author/teacher Nikki Giovanni here a few years ago and fell in love with the store because it gave shelf space to writers of color. Her current project is a screenplay called “The Women of Nelson,” which is set in a Civil War-era Army camp in Kentucky (www.shirleyhayden.us). Hayden works as a consultant and grant writer when she’s not doing her own writing. She enjoys spending time in libraries, volunteering, walking, running, Sudoku and sunbathing in her spare time. She also enjoys hearing her now-27-year-old sons’ perspectives on politics and the world. She’s single and lives in D.C.’s Ft. Lincoln neighborhood in Northeast.

How long have you been out and who was the hardest person to tell?
I have never had a problem telling anyone that I am a lesbian. I have been out since age 9. Funny story; I would come home from spending the summers at my grandmotherā€™s every year and tell mama that I was gay. She would respond, “Thatā€™s nice, go out and play with your brothers and sisters.” When I turned 18 I just stopped talking about it. At that point she asked if I was still gay. My response was that I was, but I felt she was just going to tell me to go outside and play anyway. And incidentally, I am one of 13 children, born to the same mother and father, and I have two gay brothers as well.

Who’s your gay hero?
Audre Lorde, Terri Jewell, May Sarton, Sapphire, and Alice Walker, Grace Paley, Adrienne Rich are my “sheroes.”

What’s Washington’s best nightspot, past or present?
My favorite D.C. hotspot is actually Sisterspace Books but we need to work on their Wi-fi connectivity. I love meeting writers in the D.C. public libraries to write as well. Libraries across the USA have always been my safe places to write. I have logged more hours in libraries across the country than most people have logged through volunteerism. Additionally, my favorite hotspot is my porch, nachos at LACE, and Busboys and Poets on 5th and K.

What’s your dream gay wedding?
I want to marry in the District. I so want to get married as soon as possible, but my challenge is I cannot marry by myself. My ideal dream wedding would be somewhere on water, but how many watersheds do we have in D.C.? I see myself married, happy, barefoot, but never pregnant. I want to wake up to her morning breath, share night sweats, wear her slippers when traveling, curl up and read together, pray together and do our own particular “nasty” together.

What non-gay issue are you most passionate about?
I would respond racism, but it is certainly a gay issue as well. And so are sexism, volunteerism and mentoring. Well maybe the role of women in the church. Oh wait, I guess that intersection could be homophobia. OK, so my answer will be historical: “I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.”

What historical outcome would you change?
Well Barrack Obama is in the White House, but I think I would continue to change the notion of being ā€œthe first anything based upon race, gender or creed or orientation, you know the infamous clause we still use.

What’s been the most memorable pop culture moment of your lifetime?
Most memorable would be the Jackson 5 and oddly, the death of Michael.

On what do you insist?
I insist on being un-bossed and un-bought. Shirley Chisholm, a woman who ran for president back in 1972 ā€” she’s the one who coined that term. Always lived by that philosophy.

What was your last Facebook post or Tweet?
My last Facebook post was in celebration of my newest book, “Coming Out Loud.”

If your life were a book, what would the title be?
ā€œAdam Canā€™t Take This Rib Backā€

If science discovered a way to change sexual orientation, what would you do?
I would pray that I never encountered this science because I like being a lesbian woman; however I would like to tinker with the machinery long enough to eradicate racism, sexism and homophobia.

What do you believe in beyond the physical world?
I always say that, “when hell freezes over, I will skate.” I believe in a lot of things beyond this world but I believe heaven is right here on earth and I believe also in the continuance of it beyond this world.

What’s your advice for LGBT movement leaders?
I have no issues with LGBTQ leaders, however my advice would be to follow. To get behind the movement and push/motivate/inspire/teach/train new leadership to be the forefront.

What would you walk across hot coals for?
I would not walk across hot coals for anything. But I might be encouraged to dance along the edges if I had the opportunity to meet my future mate and life partner.

What gay stereotype annoys you most?
My response will probably inspire debate, discussion, formalization of a nation think tank, new ad-hoc committees and I am sure a few pies thrown in my face, but the stereotype that most annoys me is the women, who bleed like all women, but who believe they are somehow ā€œboysā€ like my brothers. They are not and I do not care what in the hell they wear in support of trying to be boys or men. Walking like a duck donā€™t make you a duck.

What’s your favorite gay movie?
People who know me know that one of the areas in which I need to improve is media, particularly movies and even watching TV. Up until about a year ago I did not own a TV and now I am sometimes viewed as the sistah from another planet because movies now in my purview are 10 to 20 years old now. But in answer to the question, I do not think I have a favorite gay movie. The jury is still out on that one.

What’s the most overrated social custom?
This is a hot button topic for me. I think the most overrated social custom is returning text messages every time one of my friends texts me to say they are going to the bathroom. I just do not care and do not want to know about it. I guess if they have fallen off the side of a mountain and they text for help then I may be able to make an exception. But I would expect for them to call 911 for assistance. I get text messages while I am in church. I guess it is telling on me that I allow them to indulge in this behavior with me. Perhaps after today, I will receive fewer messages. I should hope. Additionally, I just do not enjoy Facebook and Twitter for the same reasons. I guess we should hold an all-day summit to address that.

What trophy or prize do you most covet?
I long to win literary awards such as the Pulitzer, but I will settle for more honorable mentions in a new sub-culture where people do not appear to read as much anymore.

What do you wish you’d known at 18?
I wish I had known at 18 that the Internet was coming. I would not have saved so many paper files and newspapers.

Why Washington?
Because I grew up in a farming community and there was no bus and town was where you went on Sunday for church. I have lived in many places, but I live in D.C. because I love, love, love being surrounded by so many diverse people and cultural events. There is always something to do in the District.

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Real Estate

How to protect yourself from rental scams

Beware of fraudulent checks, identity theft

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Scams can affect both tenants and landlords during summer rental season.

As the summer rental season ramps up, be aware that scams can affect both tenants and landlords. As a property owner looking to rent out your space, you might encounter various fraudulent schemes when advertising your property online. Understanding these scams and recognizing the red flags can save you stress and even financial loss.

Three of the most common scams that landlords face in the District of Columbia include the following:

1. Fake Payment Scams

Tenants provide fraudulent checks or money orders for rent or security deposits. These payments appear legitimate initially, but eventually bounce or are identified as fake.

Why it works: Scammers take advantage of the delay between the initial deposit and the time it takes for banks to identify fraudulent checks, allowing them to secure access to the property.  Once they do, they have possession and in the District of Columbia, that means a court case to remove them.

Prevention Steps:

  • Verify Funds: Wait for the check or money order to fully clear before handing over keys or signing the lease. This can take several days.
  • Use Electronic Payments: Encourage tenants to use electronic payment methods like bank transfers or verified payment apps, which can be more secure and quicker to verify.
  • Bank Verification: Contact the issuing bank to verify the authenticity of the payment instrument.

2. Identity Theft Scams

Prospective tenants use stolen or fake identities to pass background and credit checks. Once they secure the lease, they may engage in illegal activities or fail to pay rent.

Why it works: Scammers exploit the reliance on documentation and credit reports which, if fake, can be difficult to verify without thorough checks.

Prevention Steps:

  • Thorough Screening: Conduct comprehensive background checks, including employment and previous rental history. 

As a self-managing landlord, this can be both time-consuming and complicated.  There are several easy ways to get caught in unlawful methods of screening based on the Districts strict tenant laws.  When in doubt to get it legally right, seek out professional help, so you do not inadvertently end up violating regulations in place to protect renters.

  • In-Person Meetings: Meet prospective tenants in person and request multiple forms of identification to verify their identity. Again, itā€™s critical to do this within the boundaries of the law. Make sure if you do it for one, do the same process, have the same questions and take the same actions for all interested parties. 
  • Cross-Check Information: Contact employers and previous landlords directly using publicly available contact information to confirm details provided by the tenant. Make sure you are indeed speaking to their prior or current landlord by preparing very specific questions about their lease agreement or other items a fake reference will not know or will stumble to answer. 

3. Subletting Scams

Tenants illegally sublet the property to others, often at a higher rate, without the landlordā€™s knowledge or permission. This can lead to over-occupancy and property damage. You may also not know who is living in your unit or if they would have qualified if you had screened them.  Lastly, if they have possession of your property, getting them out involves a court case. 

Why it works: Scammers take advantage of landlords who do not monitor their properties closely, allowing them to profit from unauthorized subletting.

Prevention Steps:

  • Find management: Ensure that preventative steps are taken, to ensure renter compliance with any sub-letting rules youā€™ve laid down in the original agreement.
  • Regular Inspections: Conduct regular property inspections to ensure that only authorized tenants are residing in the property. Inspections in the District are tricky, a landlord cannot just enter at will or too frequently.  Be sure you know the rules, or ask a professional for advice before you enter your renter-occupied property.
  • Lease Clauses: Include clear clauses in the lease agreement that prohibit subletting without written permission from the landlord. Is your agreement rock solid? Or do you need professionals on your side who know what to do to ensure both you and your renters are protected fairly?
  • Neighborhood Watch: Establish good communication with neighbors who can alert you to any suspicious activity or unauthorized occupants.  If you used to live at that location your former neighbors and friends are the best way to keep eyes and ears out on what is going on in your property and to alert you to any unusual behaviors.

By taking these preventive measures, landlords can better protect themselves from common scams and ensure a more secure rental process.

Anatomy of a Common Rental Scam

Another prevalent scam starts when you post an advertisement for your rental property. Scammers may copy your listing, post it at a lower price, and pretend they are the landlords. Unsuspecting tenants may pay a deposit to them or even the first month’s rent to these fraudsters, believing they are securing their new home. Hereā€™s how the scam typically unfolds:

Step 1: Scammers take the details and photos from your legitimate listing and create a fake one, often with lower rent to attract more potential tenants.

Step 2: They claim to be out of town and unable to show the property, urging potential tenants to drive by and view the property from the outside.

Step 3: They ask for a security deposit or the first monthā€™s rent via online payment methods before the tenant has signed a lease or even seen the inside of the property.

How to Protect Yourself

Here are some steps you can take to protect yourself from these scams:

Secure Your Listing: Use reputable rental platforms and websites known for their security measures to advertise your property.

Watermark Your Photos: Adding a watermark to the images in your rental listings can prevent scammers from easily stealing your photos.

Educate Potential Tenants: Inform applicants about common scams and encourage them to be cautious of listings that seem too good to be true, ask for money up front, etc.

Meet or Video Call Potential Tenants: If possible, meet tenants in person or through a video call to verify their identity and discuss the rental terms. Requiring a matching photo ID during the application process is an added layer to ensure this is the same person.

Verify Tenant Information: Conduct a comprehensive background check, including credit, employment, rental history, and criminal records.

Red Flags for Landlords

To protect yourself and potential tenants from a scam like this, be aware of the following red flags during the tenant screening process:

  • Paying All Cash Upfront: If a prospective tenant offers to pay the rent for the entire lease period in cash without a proper background check, be cautious. This can be a sign that they want to avoid detection due to illegal activities or poor credit history.
  • Urgency to Move In: A tenant who is pushing to move in immediately, especially without seeing the property, should raise a red flag. They might be trying to rush the process before you notice any inconsistencies in their story or background.
  • Lack of Interest in Viewing the Property: Be wary of tenants who do not ask to see the property or who are satisfied with just external views. Genuine tenants will usually want to inspect where they are going to live.
  • Poor or Incomplete Documentation: If a tenant cannot provide proper identification, proof of income, or previous rental history, this is a significant warning sign. Scammers often avoid giving out personal information that can be traced back to them.
  • Unusual Payment Methods: Be cautious if a tenant wants to use unconventional payment methods like wire transfers or cryptocurrency. Standard practices include checks, bank transfers, or credit card payments, which offer more security and traceability.

Organizations That Can Help

If you find yourself a victim of a rental scam, there are organizations that can offer assistance and guidance:

Federal Trade Commission (FTC): They handle complaints about deceptive and unfair business practices, including rental scams. You can file a complaint at ftc.gov.

Better Business Bureau (BBB): The BBB provides information on businesses, including complaints and scam alerts. Visit their website at bbb.org for more resources.

Internet Crime Complaint Center (IC3): This is a partnership between the FBI and the National White Collar Crime Center, and it allows victims to report internet-related criminal complaints. Visit their site at ic3.gov.

Local Law Enforcement: Contact your local police department to report the scam, especially if money has been exchanged.

By staying vigilant and informed, you can protect yourself and potential tenants from falling prey to these sophisticated scams. Remember, prevention is always better than cure, especially in the real estate market.

(Note: For examples of the three scams included, we have produced some of the content of this article using AI.)

Scott Bloom is owner and senior property manager of Columbia Property Management. For more information and resources, go to ColumbiaPM.com.

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Dining

Behind the bar with Moon Rabbitā€™s Thi Nguyen

Cocktails work in harmony with thoughtfully executed Vietnamese dishes

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Moon Rabbitā€™s Thi Nguyen

Thi Nguyenā€™s hands move purposely behind the bar, her all-business, cobalt blue nails gleaming under the warm lighting of recently relocated ā€“ and highly celebrated ā€“ Moon Rabbit. A dash of simple syrup infused with pandan ā€“ a shrub native to Southeast Asia with vanilla-scented leaves ā€“ moves deftly in her hands to lightly spice a cocktail that will soon receive another kick from ginger bitters.

Nguyen, Moon Rabbitā€™s celebrated bar manager, cannot be accused of holding back flavors from her drinks. Nor can she hold back her identity and her journey. Her journey from Saigon to Maryland to California and finally to D.C., but also her journey as a proudly out lesbian, unafraid to bring her whole self to all her pours.

Boundaries, borders, conventions: these matter little to Nguyen, who left several homes to finally find herself where sheā€™s most comfortable, and where she acts as a leader and mentor for others to do the same. Just as she doesnā€™t hide her identity, she also doesnā€™t hide that her cocktails complement Moon Rabbitā€™s vibrant, contemporary Vietnamese cuisine. Owner/chef Kevin Tien pays tribute to his heritage as a first-generation Asian American, using Moon Rabbit as a platform for expressing his love for Vietnamese culture and food through a determinedly modern lens.

Her cocktails, then, work in harmony with thoughtfully executed dishes like chewy rice cakes under a tofu crumble and cured egg, deconstructed crab Rangoon, and wagyu-stuffed perilla leaves brightened by fermented honey.

Sitting with the chefs and acclaimed owner Kevin Tien, ā€œwe begin by exploring cookbooks together,ā€ in a collaborative process, ā€œto find inspiration and potential flavor combinations. It involves a lot of research and development, trial and error, experimentation, and technique.ā€

ā€œAnd while this sometimes leads to failures, it ultimately helps us discover the perfect pairings.ā€

Her menu arrives without flavor hesitations. Cocktail names are given in both English and Vietnamese (as are the dishes), a signal that she is asking diners and drinkers to join her and trust her as unapologetic about her Vietnamese craft. 

The Hįŗæt NĘ°į»›c Chįŗ„m (Out of Dipping Sauce) drink is composed of vodka, passionfruit liqueur, a squeeze of lemon, and a simple syrup based on nĘ°į»›c chįŗ„mā€“ also known as fish sauce. While nodding to the popularity of the savory martini, this cocktail also reflects the ubiquity of fish sauce on the Moon Rabbit menu and across Southeast Asia.

Other ingredients? Sesame oil, coconut milk, palm syrup, and chrysanthemum all show up in various drinks, alcoholic or otherwise. She also creates cocktails that highlight and celebrate gay icons, drawing inspiration not just from the menu and research but also LGBTQ history and culture.

This pride in her work is reflected in the pride in her identity.

ā€œBeing part of the LGBTQ community has taught me the importance of authenticity, resilience, and inclusivity. I am unapologetic about who I am and show up at work proud of my identity, which helps create a space where others feel comfortable and supported.ā€

Tien, Nguyen, and his staff are highly intentional in staffing. ā€œThis commitment to inclusivity is reflected in our hiring practices; we intentionally build a diverse bar team that includes members of the LGBTQ community,ā€ she says.

Just like her physical journey, arriving in this place of leadership and comfort took a circuitous path. In the face of microaggressions and ignorance, comments and assumptions, lack of understanding and respect, she has been able to ā€œstrengthen my resolve to create an inclusive and supportive environment.ā€ She ensures that sheā€™s active in events that raise funds for LGBTQ non-profits around the DMV area, including SYMAL, CCI Health Services, and KhushDC.

 ā€œI hope to encourage other LGBTQ individuals to pursue careers in hospitality and to advocate for greater inclusivity and acceptance in their own workplaces.ā€

Moon Rabbit, formerly located at the InterContinental Hotel on the Wharf, closed with a shock last year (its closure took place among a unionization drive by the hotelā€™s staff that the hotel had opposed). Debuting in its new location in Penn Quarter in January, Moon Rabbit quickly retook its place as a top dining destination: the restaurant was recently added to the Michelin guide. In June, Nguyen herself was named one of the best new bartenders in 2024 by Punch magazine. As Pride month closes out, Nguyen remains as dedicated to her craft ā€“ and her advocacy ā€“ as ever.

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Autos

All charged up: BMW i7 xDrive6

Fairy dust goes a long way in this all-electric luxe sedan

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BMW i7 xDrive60

Sometimes itā€™s good to be a fairy godmother. Thatā€™s how it was for me when organizing a surprise dinner party for my husband Robert, who was celebrating a milestone birthday. 

Event planning isnā€™t my thing, yet somehow the stars aligned. It seemed like all I had to do was wave a wand and ā€” voila! ā€” the magic began.

Make reservations at a fave intimate restaurant, which often gets booked months in advance? Zing! Ensure that family and childhood friends from across the country could all attend the same weekend? Zing! Find a handsome pianist to serenade us with Broadway show tunes. Zing again!

The only thing missing: a stunning chariot. But then, at the last minute, my test car for the week turned out to beā€”zing!ā€”the all-electric BMW i7 xDrive60 glam sedan. 

BMW i7 xDrive60

$121,000

MPGe: 87 city/95 highway

Range: 291 to 321 miles 

Fastest charging time: 212 miles in 34 minutes (80% charged) 

PROS: Hyper fast. Sublime cabin. Dazzling tech.

CONS: Pricey. So-so cargo area. A sedan in a world of SUVs.

IN A NUTSHELL: To drive or not to drive, thatā€™s the question with the BMW i7. Rarely is it more exciting to be the passenger than the driver in a sports sedan, especially a Bimmer. But as I chauffeured my husband to the restaurant on his birthday, he seemed to be having way too much fun enjoying the dizzying array of creature comforts.

Spa treatment. The futuristic seats, made of quilted Merino leather, are as plush and comfortable as anything from Roche Bobois. But the optional cashmere/wool fabric looks and feels even better. All seatsā€”both front and rearā€”come with ventilation and heating that activates much quicker than in most cars. The superb massage function does bodywork like a real masseurā€”but without the need to tip 20% when your session ends. 

Concert-hall acoustics. Other high-priced rides offer premium audio, but the standard Bowers & Wilkens stereo in the i7 is bravo: 18 speakers and 655 watts. Better yet, my test car had the much-ballyhooed Diamond Surround Sound System, with 36 speakers powered by a 1965-watt amplifier. Yes, two of those speakers use actual diamonds to increase clarity. The result is perhaps the best-sounding vehicle acoustics ever.

IMAX-like screen. The Rear Executive Lounge Seating package adds a reclining right rear seat with footrest and a center console with foldable table that serves as a floating desk. Think first-class seating on an airplane. Most impressive is the huge, 31-inch 8K theater screen that drops down from the ceiling and comes with Amazon Fire capability. All rear window shades lower and the panoramic-glass roof shade closes when in theater mode. Built tastefully into the armrest on each rear door is what looks like an Apple iPhone to control the rear lighting, movie screen and other functions. Any home theater system should be so good.

Racecar features. Up front, the driver is spoiled with many other goodies. A curved digital screen, the same as in the cutting-edge BMW iX SUV, houses a 12.3-inch instrument cluster and 14.9-inch infotainment monitor. Two motorsā€”one for each axleā€”creates an impressive 536-horsepower. Press the accelerator andā€”whoosh!ā€”the i7 sprints from 0 to 60 mph in just 4.1 seconds. The amazing auto-leveling suspension absorbs potholes and speed bumps as if this 6,000-pound sedan were floating on air. 

Rolls-Royce aura. BMW, which also owns Rolls-Royce, has sprinkled the i7 with stately design cues. This includes softer, more graceful styling and none of the severe, chiseled angles of previous BMWs. Other plusses: Swarovski crystals in the headlights and 22 precision-focused LEDs in the high beams. But the illuminated grille, while impressive, has a more ominous vibe. (Stephen Kingā€™s Christine, anyone?) 

Full-size comfort. The i7 is a full-figured ride, more than 17-feet long and 6.4-feet wide. Hereā€™s where the automatic parking comes in handy, allowing this BMW to parallel or perpendicular park itself. Trunk capacity is 18 cubic feet, which is decent but less than some competitors. Inside, though, there are plenty of clever storage compartments. 

A pretty penny. Full of options, my test car was a wallet-busting $152,000. But thatā€™s a bargainā€”well, sort ofā€”compared with the high-performance i7 M70. With 650 horsepower and a 0-to-60 time of 3.5 seconds, the M70 is the fastest all-electric M car ever made. It also costs $169,000. 

Alas, such sticker prices are too rich for my blood. Sorry Robert, maybe if we win the lottery.

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