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Married gay Md. pastor celebrates Court rulings

Endures death threats, hate mail to preach inclusive message

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United Church of Christ, Robert Apgar-Taylor, DOMA, Gay Marriage, Maryland, Gay News, Washington Blade
Rob Apgar-Taylor, Maryland, DOMA, Supreme Court, Marriage, Gay News, Washington Blade

Rev. Apgar-Taylor married his partner, Rob Apgar in Massachusetts in 2004 and praised last week’s supreme court rulings. (Photo by Corey Clarke)

Rev. Rob Apgar-Taylor of Grace United Church of Christ in Frederick, Md., was an unlikely same-sex marriage advocate to some who gathered alongside him at the U.S. Supreme Court on June 26.

The gay pastor who married his husband in Massachusetts in June 2004 received a number of questions from LGBT rights activists, journalists and passersby about whether he was ā€œfor us or against usā€ as they waited for the justices to issue their decisions in the two cases that challenged a portion of the Defense of Marriage Act and California’s Proposition 8 that banned same-sex marriage in the state. Apgar-Taylor told the Washington Blade he hoped their rulings would be ā€œbold.ā€

ā€œI hope that they’re willing to take a stand in this issue,ā€ he said.

His wish came true less than an hour later when the justices announced their decisions that found DOMA unconstitutional and struck down Prop 8.

ā€œThey did the right thing,ā€ Apgar-Taylor told the Blade in a follow-up interview. ā€œThey were able to work on the side of justice and on the side of compassion for families who need it the most.ā€

Born and raised in New York’s Hudson Valley, Apgar-Taylor said he wanted to become a pastor for as long as he could remember.

ā€œI was three years old and when all the other little kids wanted to be policemen and firemen and cowboys and Indians, I wanted to be a minister,ā€ he said. ā€œIt’s just always been there.ā€

Apgar-Taylor became a pastor in Pennsylvania after he received his master’s of Divinity from Wesley Theological Seminary in D.C. and his doctorate of Ministry in Spiritual Theology from Princeton Theological Seminary.

He and his now ex-wife to whom he was married for 20 years had five children.

They divorced after Apgar-Taylor came out to her in the early 2000s, but they remain ā€œgood friends.ā€

Apgar-Taylor met his future spouse, Rob Apgar, at a Harrisburg, Pa., karaoke bar shortly after his divorce.

ā€œWe started talking to each other and we were singing karaoke,ā€ he recalled. ā€œBy the end of the evening about four hours afterwards we exchanged phone numbers. And the next day we got together for dinner and had our first date.ā€

The couple tied the knot in Cambridge, Mass., on June 13, 2004 — a month after Massachusetts’ same-sex marriage law took effect after the state’s Supreme Judicial Court’s landmark 2003 decision that struck down the commonwealth’s ban on gay nuptials took effect — while Apgar-Taylor took a summer course at the Episcopal Divinity School.

ā€œThere’s something sacred in the nature of marriage,ā€ he said. ā€œIt’s about covenant; it’s about choosing to be in someone’s corner whether it feels good or not. It’s about loving someone whether or not you feel loving or whether they even act loving.ā€

Apgar-Taylor, who is also a pastor at Veritas United Church of Christ in Hagerstown, Md., in February became the first openly gay minister of a mainline Protestant church in western Maryland when Grace United Church of Christ installed him.

The Frederick congregation in the spring of 2012 became the first mainline church in the area to host a same-sex wedding when a gay couple that married in D.C. renewed their vows during a ceremony that Apgar-Taylor officiated. Grace United Church of Christ also served as the headquarters for the Evangelical Reformed United Church of Christ’s efforts in support of the referendum on Maryland’s same-sex marriage law that voters approved last November.

Apgar-Taylor said he has received what he described as hate mail from the Army of God, a group that advocates for violence against abortion providers and gays. A same-sex marriage opponent outside the Supreme Court described him as ā€œa disgraceā€ and said he ā€œwas going to hellā€ before the justices issued their DOMA and Prop 8 rulings.

ā€œThat’s what you’re going to get when you’re in my line of work,ā€ Apgar-Taylor said, while noting the majority of people whom he meets are what he described as supportive. ā€œYou’re going to have enemies on the conservative Christian side.ā€

As he discussed the Supreme Court decisions with the Blade, Apgar-Taylor referenced a person he knows whom he said was unable to make end of life decisions for his partner and receive ā€œall the rights we should have as married couples.ā€

ā€œIt’s degrading and dehumanizing to tell somebody you could spend 16, 18, 20 years loving someone and sharing your life with them, but at the moment at your life at your life when you’re the most devastated [say] sorry you were just a friend,ā€ he said. ā€œIt’s humiliating to devalue someone’s relationship that way.ā€

Apgar-Taylor described the Supreme Court rulings as ā€œincredibly importantā€ for him and his husband on a both a legal and a financial level. He told the Blade he went to bed after the justices issued their decisions knowing that they were protected ā€œfor the first time in my marriage.ā€

ā€œThere’s nothing anyone can do to come in and tell me that I can’t make end of life decisions for him and make sure his wishes are known,ā€ Apgar-Taylor said. ā€œThere’s nothing anybody can do to come in and take away stuff that we have earned and gotten together. There’s nothing anybody can do to come in and tell him that I was not his husband, that we were legal strangers. That’s incredibly important.ā€

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Real Estate

Spring updates to sell your home for pride and profit

Consider new landscaping, power washing, creative staging

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Enhance your curb appeal with fresh landscaping before you sell. (Photo by Elena_Alex_photo/Bigstock)

Selling a home is a big deal for anyone, but for members of the LGBTQ+ community, it comes with unique considerations—from finding affirming professionals to ensuring your home is represented in a way that reflects your values. Whether you’re a first-time gay home seller or a seasoned LGBTQ+ homeowner looking to move up, maximizing your home’s value is key to a successful and empowering sale.

Here’s how to prepare your home, your mindset, and your real estate strategy to get the most value—financially and emotionally—from your home sale.

1. Start with an LGBTQ+-Friendly Real Estate Agent

Before diving into renovations or staging, make sure your agent truly understands your needs. A gay-friendly or LGBTQ+-affirming real estate agent brings more than just market expertise—they bring cultural competence, safety awareness, and a network that supports you throughout the selling process.

At GayRealEstate.com, you can find experienced, vetted LGBTQ+ real estate agents who have been proudly serving the community for over 30 years. Working with someone who shares or supports your identity ensures your selling journey is respectful, inclusive, and effective.

2. Enhance Curb Appeal—With a Welcoming Vibe

The outside of your home is the first impression a potential buyer gets. Make it count—especially for LGBTQ+ buyers looking for a home that feels safe and welcoming.

  • Fresh landscaping: Add colorful flowers, neatly trimmed shrubs, or low-maintenance greenery to appeal to eco-conscious buyers.
  • Update the entrance: A new front door, stylish lighting, or even a rainbow doormat can make your home feel like a safe space from the start.
  • Clean and repair: Power wash the exterior, touch up paint, and make any necessary repairs to gutters, windows, or siding.

3. Stage with Intention and Inclusivity

Home staging can add thousands to your sale price. But beyond the usual decluttering and neutral palettes, think about how your space tells a story—and who it’s telling it to.

  • Create a warm, inclusive feel: Subtle touches like LGBTQ+ art, books, or even coffee table magazines can show off your personality and affirm the space for queer buyers.
  • Depersonalize—but don’t erase: You don’t need to hide your identity to appeal to buyers. Let your home feel lived in and loved—while still being a blank canvas others can imagine themselves in.
  • Highlight multi-use areas: Home offices, gender-neutral nurseries, or flex spaces resonate with LGBTQ+ families and professionals.

4. Update Kitchens and Bathrooms Strategically

These rooms matter most to buyers—and even small updates can yield big returns.

  • Kitchen: New cabinet hardware, a fresh backsplash, and modern lighting can elevate the entire room without a full remodel.
  • Bathroom: Replace old fixtures, re-caulk tubs and sinks, and add plush towels and inclusive dĆ©cor.
  • Energy-efficient upgrades: Touchless faucets, smart appliances, or low-flow toilets are not only trendy—they signal sustainability, which matters to LGBTQ+ buyers.

5. Make Your Home More Energy Efficient

LGBTQ+ homebuyers often prioritize sustainability. These updates not only reduce energy bills but make your home more marketable.

  • Install a smart thermostat (like Nest or Ecobee)
  • Upgrade insulation or windows
  • Consider solar panels (especially in sun-drenched regions like California or Florida)

Bonus: You may qualify for state or federal tax credits, which can be a great selling point.

6. Know and Advocate for LGBTQ+ Housing Rights

Although housing discrimination is illegal under the Fair Housing Act, it still happens. As an LGBTQ+ seller, be aware of your rights—and those of potential buyers.

  • Avoid steering or bias: Even with good intentions, make sure you’re not inadvertently influencing who views or buys your home based on identity.
  • Work with affirming professionals: From inspectors to lenders, choose partners who support inclusive practices.
  • Report discrimination: If you or a buyer encounters bias, report it to HUD or your local housing authority.

7. Price Your Home Right—and Market It Smartly

Setting the right price is essential to maximizing value. Your LGBTQ+-friendly agent can run a comparative market analysis, considering current trends and buyer demographics.

  • Leverage LGBTQ+ real estate networks: Promote your home through platforms like GayRealEstate.com to reach an audience that understands and values your space.
  • Use inclusive language in listings: Avoid gendered terms or heteronormative assumptions. Instead of “his and hers closets,” use “dual walk-ins” or “double closets.”
  • High-quality photos and video tours: Showcase your home with professional, visually inclusive marketing that appeals to diverse buyers.

8. Consider Timing and Local LGBTQ+ Trends

Selling during WorldPride or just before local LGBTQ+ events may boost visibility. Also consider if you’re in or near an LGBTQ+ friendly city or neighborhood.

Not sure which areas are top destinations? GayRelocation.com tracks and shares the best cities for LGBTQ+ homebuyers, helping you tap into motivated buyers.

Final Thought: Sell with Confidence—and Community

Selling your home isn’t just about getting top dollar—it’s about closing a chapter with pride and integrity. When you center your values, work with LGBTQ+ affirming experts, and prepare your home with purpose, you’re not just maximizing your home’s value—you’re creating an empowering experience for yourself and the next owner.

Whether you’re buying, selling, or both—GayRealEstate.com is your trusted partner in every step of your journey. With a nationwide network of gay and lesbian realtors, decades of experience, and deep community ties, we ensure your home transition is safe, smart, and full of pride.

 GayRealEstate.com is the nation’s leading online platform connecting LGBTQ+ home buyers and sellers with LGBTQ+ friendly real estate agents, ensuring a safe and supportive experience.


Scott Helms is president of GayRealEstate.com. To find an agent or learn more, visitĀ GayRealEstate.com, GayRelocation.com or call 1-888-420-MOVE.

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Real Estate

Navigating DMV real estate market during political unrest

Reductions in federal employment have introduced uncertainties

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Despite Elon Musk’s cuts to the federal workforce, D.C.’s real estate market continues to thrive. (Washington Blade file photo by Michael Key)

The  Washington, D.C.-Maryland-Virginia (DMV) region has long been recognized for its robust housing market, underpinned by the presence of the federal government and a diverse economic landscape. Recent massive reductions in federal employment have introduced uncertainties, yet the area continues to offer compelling reasons for prospective homebuyers, particularly within diverse communities.

While the federal government has traditionally been a significant employer in the DMV, the region has proactively diversified its economic base. Sectors such as technology, professional services, education, and healthcare have expanded, mitigating the impact of federal job cuts. This diversification fosters some economic resilience, which offers our area a semblance of protection against the impending unknowns that we currently face. Nothing can shield real estate entirely; however, our area tends to survive these types of changes better than other parts of the country.

Despite concerns over federal layoffs, the DMV housing market has demonstrated notable stability. Analyses indicate that the number of active listings, sold properties, and median sales prices have remained steady on a year-over-year basis. This steadiness suggests that the market is adapting to changes without significant disruption. 

Furthermore, while there has been a slight increase in home listings, this trend aligns with typical seasonal variations and does not solely reflect federal employment changes. The luxury property segment, in particular, continues to thrive, indicating sustained interest and investment in the region. 

The DMV region is renowned for its cultural and demographic diversity, with areas like Montgomery County, Md., being among the most ethnically diverse in the nation. This inclusivity extends to various communities, including LGBTQ individuals, fostering a welcoming environment that enhances the area’s appeal. Even though the current administration is fostering anti-diversity ideology, I remain confident that our LGBTQ community will continue to thrive even as these destructive forces work against us.

Local governments within the DMV have implemented policies aimed at promoting affordable housing and preventing displacement, particularly in the wake of economic shifts. Initiatives like the Douglass Community Land Trust in Washington, D.C., exemplify efforts to maintain housing affordability and support community stability. 

Additionally, jurisdictions such as Montgomery County have longstanding Moderately Priced Dwelling Unit (MPDU) programs that require developers to include affordable housing in new residential developments. These policies contribute to socioeconomically mixed neighborhoods, benefiting diverse populations. 

Despite Elon Musk’s brandishing of a chainsaw to the federal workforce, our real estate market continues to thrive. The DMV region maintains its appeal. Economic diversification, market stability, commitment to diversity and inclusion, and progressive housing policies collectively contribute to an environment that supports and attracts diverse communities. Prospective homebuyers can find reassurance in the region’s resilience and ongoing efforts to foster an inclusive and vibrant community. These are only a few among the many reasons to have a positive outlook while considering real estate options in our area.

It is important to consider working with brokerages, brokers, agents, lenders and title companies who align with our community and our objectives. Not all LGBTQ agents work for brokerages that support or understand the needs of the members of our community. Do your research and find out who has donated money to what political causes. Now more than ever we must support members of our community to protect our way of life and our very existence.


Stacey Williams-Zeiger is president/principal broker of Zeiger Realty Inc. Reach her at [email protected].

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Advice

Am I addicted to hooking up?

At 34, I don’t like the person I’ve become

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(Photo by edwardolive/Bigstock)

Hi Michael,

When I came to D.C. for college and came out, I was idealistic about finding true love. I made gay friends at school and watched them hooking up all the time.

It seemed like the opposite of what I wanted. I dreamed of meeting ā€œPrince Charmingā€ and living happily ever after. I thought I would put off sex until I met my special guy.

This went on for a while until I got too horny and impatient to keep putting off sex. The boyfriend wasn’t materializing so I went online and hooked up. Actually it was a lot of fun.

Soon I was hooking up as much as any of my friends were. I kept hoping I’d still find my prince.Ā But over time most of my energy shifted to finding guys to have sex with.

Now I’m 34. I’ve been at this a long time and I realized the other day that I don’t like my life.

I haven’t been on a real date in years but I’m hooking up multiple times a week. I’ve been with almost everyone I see on the apps whom I find attractive (where the feeling was mutual). And yes, I’ve been with a lot whom I didn’t find attractive because I was horny.

I look at myself and I think, yuk. I don’t like whom I’ve become.

I feel like I am addicted to hooking up. I just keep craving something. The release but mostly the attention, that the other person finds me hot. After I come, I feel like the whole thing was pointless, and a little disgusted with myself. Advice?

Michael replies:

You’re using hookups not just for sex, but as a way to feel good about yourself by getting positive attention from others. Ā 

But other-validation is like junk food, a sugary snack that staves off hunger for a few minutes and never really fills you up. All those guys you hook up with? The attention feels great, but as you wrote, that feeling lasts until your orgasm. And then you’re back to chasing it.

As with junk food, the other-validation you get when you hook up is a lot of empty calories. Having someone you don’t even know agree to have sex with you says nothing meaningful about your worth or even your attractiveness.Ā 

Yet another problem: If you believe that you need other-validation, you will do all sorts of self-damaging behaviors to get it—such as hookups that leave you feeling empty and disgusted.Ā I’ve seen many people lose their self-respect in the service of getting other people’s positive attention through behaviors that violate their own integrity. Doing things that make you feel bad about yourself in an attempt to feel good about yourself is ironic, and sad. Ā 

The bottom line is that other people can’t ā€œmakeā€ you feel good about yourself. Ā They might give you a small temporary boost, but your self-esteem actually has to come from you. That’s why it’s called self-esteem. Once you are past a certain age, if you don’t believe that you have value, no one else can get you there. You have to validate yourself.

Let’s go big-picture for a moment: It is our parents’ job to teach us that we have value when we are little, and when that doesn’t happen, we often struggle with self-esteem throughout our lives, unless we can find a path to develop our own belief in our worth. In the meantime, we may chase other-validation in a futile attempt to fill ourselves up. 

Other experiences we go through—for example, growing up gay in a hostile environment—can also do a number on how we see ourselves, and leave us grasping for affirmation from others. It takes work to get through and get past the impact of these experiences.

So how do you get better at giving yourself the validation you are seeking? There’s a great saying from the 12-step programs: If you want to have self-esteem, behave in esteemable ways.Ā 

What would it mean for you to behave in a way that you respect? Your letter provides one answer that is true for you: Stop engaging in sexual encounters that leave you disliking yourself.  

Far easier said than done, right? But that doesn’t mean it’s impossible. Having gotten clarity that you don’t like the life you’ve constructed for yourself, now you actually can do something about it. Keep in mind, though, that you will face some challenges if you stop hooking up.  

First: You may find it isolating and scary to stop doing something that all or most of your friends are doing. You will have to reassure yourself that you’re doing what’s right for you; that you are taking good care of yourself by choosing to avoid behaviors that leave you feeling bad; and that it’s OK to be different from ā€œeveryone else.ā€ In other words, you are going to have to get much better at self-validation.

If you have some friends who don’t spend a lot of their time hooking up, they may be good supports for you. Some guys find camaraderie from attending a 12-step program like Sexual Compulsives Anonymous (SCA).

Second: People often use hookups (and sex) not just for sexual gratification, but to soothe anxiety, stress, depression, and other uncomfortable feelings. If you stop hooking up, you will likely need some other ways to keep yourself calm and to steady your mood. Exercise and meditation are two obvious means. 

You’d be wise to figure out new ways to fill your time that give you a sense of meaning and connection. I can’t tell you what those might be; only you can figure out what is right for you. They might include developing or deepening warm friendships, taking good care of yourself, finding a new activity that interests you — the list can go on and on.  

If you still want to find your prince, this is the way to go about it. The clichĆ© is true: You can’t expect anyone to like you unless you like yourself. If you build a life rich in fulfilling pursuits that help you to feel good about who you are and the life you are leading, you will be transforming yourself into relationship material.

Keep in mind, though, that letting yourself get close to someone through a heart connection would mean having to confront all sorts of uncomfortable emotions, including feeling vulnerable, that you have avoided by limiting yourself to crotch attachments. 

That said, working to become a more solid person would help you develop the strength to tolerate the ongoing challenges of a close relationship.

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online atĀ michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it toĀ [email protected].

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