Connect with us

Arts & Entertainment

Queen of everything

Boy George chats up his new album, tour and how he got his mojo back

Published

on

Boy George, gay news, Washington Blade
Boy George, gay news, Washington Blade

Boy George says in some ways straight acts can experiment with gender more than gay artists. (Photo courtesy High Rise PR)

Boy George

Monday, April 21

9:30 Club

815 V St. N.W.

930.com

$35

Doors open at 7 p.m.

Boygeorgeuk.com

Boy George is the first to acknowledge a cliché.

Getting sober in 2008 and turning 50 two years ago are big “take stock” moments for many and no less so for him.

“It was a huge turning point for me,” he says of his milestone birthday. “I thought, ‘I’ve got to get my shit together, I’ve got to focus, this is important.’ I just felt I’d wasted a lot of time. I looked at myself and thought, ‘God, I’ve done nothing.’ I know I’ve done a lot, I’ve always worked. I’ve grafted and always made money, but a lot of it was pointless because no one knew what I was doing.”

This year, the world is seeing the fruit of those epiphanies. His new album “This Is What I Do” was out in the UK last fall and officially drops in the U.S. with three bonus cuts on March 25. The last several years have seen him release a spate of side projects of various scope, but this is his first full-fledged solo album since 1995’s “Cheapness and Beauty.” He starts a U.S. leg of his tour on April 18 in Philadelphia and plays D.C.’s 9:30 Club on April 21.

During a Saturday afternoon phone chat from his London home last weekend, George — in his ever-delightful, clipped British accent — was chatty, self deprecating, quick to laugh and balked or sidestepped no questions. His comments have been slightly edited for length.

WASHINGTON BLADE: I know you’ve been DJing a lot and working on various things, but how did it work out that you released a new album at this time? Why now?

BOY GEORGE: Well, you know, as you said, I’ve been DJing very happily for the last 25 years and I haven’t really had a record deal for a long time. I suppose I have thought about making records but, you know, I wasn’t sure how I was going to do it. You know, whether I was going to sign with a major label or do something more independent. I also changed management a couple of years ago and wanted to kind of start fresh with a bunch of people that perhaps could kind of see beyond what I was. I think when you’ve had a very, very successful career like I had in the ‘80s, people tend to kind of hope you’re going to try and repeat that. They’re always waiting for you to write the next “Karma Chameleon,” but it’s never going to happen (laughs). Everything I’ve ever done has been kind of instinctual and impulsive and spontaneous and I’ve never really been the kind of artist that can kind of just pull it out of a hat. I have to feel it. … I just felt it was the right time. We discussed the different ways I could go about making a record and I decided to be brave and pay for it myself and own it myself which is a new thing for me, kind of a grown up move. And so far, you know, it’s been the right choice.

 

BLADE: When was it recorded and how long did it take?

GEORGE: We started about March last year and we did it within about four months. Not solidly. We recorded and then somebody else mixed it. I would say about four to five months last year.

 

BLADE: How was the reception in the UK last fall?

GEORGE: We’ve had amazing reviews. Comeback of the year, Boy George has finally got his mojo back, you know, blah, blah, blah. Lots of compliments. I mean, much to my surprise really, because I wasn’t really sure what kind of reaction I would get. I wasn’t sure what to expect. So yeah, everything in the UK has been kind of another surprise. England tends to get much more excited about Beyonce than anything that comes from here. It’s like all America, America, hip-hop, Beyonce, Lady Gaga. Nobody cares about Boy George anymore (laughs). That’s why I’m relying on you guys in America.

 

BLADE: The first single “King of Everything” says “What is the word on the street? Have I lost my crown?” Have you?

GEORGE: Well, the song isn’t just about me, it’s about everyone. It’s about human frailty, people messing up, which is a very human thing, yet it is also about me but it’s about you, it’s about everyone. It’s not literal. The crown is a metaphor. If it was about me, I’d call it “Queen of Everything.”

 

BLADE: How did the UK tour go last fall?

GEORGE: It was amazing. Very small, very affectionate and the audiences were adorable. They were mostly the kind of hardcore fans, so they were really affectionate.

 

BLADE: About how long do you usually play?

GEORGE: It depends on the curfew. We do about an hour and a half, maybe two hours. Not quite Bruce Springsteen-length. But we play for as long as we can. When you’re doing a show, sometimes if the mood is right, you can keep it going, depending on the audience reaction, really. But obviously some venues have a curfew so you can’t play longer than a certain time.

 

BLADE: About how much of the new album do you work into the set list?

GEORGE: We kind of try and balance it with things people know, some things people haven’t heard, some new stuff, some old stuff. You know, I’ve been doing this a while and one thing I’ve continued to do is to play live. At the end, you have to figure out a way to reach the audience.

 

BLADE: How does the new stuff sit with the Culture Club hits? Is it hard to build a set list that flows?

GEORGE: No, I don’t think it’s difficult. With the things people know, you’re always in a very safe area. If you sing a song that’s been a hit, that’s very safe so no, I wouldn’t say it’s difficult. There are certain songs that I don’t do. Obviously with that kind of a back catalogue, there are some songs you grow into and some that you say, “OK, this doesn’t really speak to who I am anymore.” So you kind of try to mix it up and keep it interesting, not just for the audience but also for yourself. You don’t want it to be a kind of robotic show that’s the same every night. Myself and John, who plays guitar in my band, we have sections where we do acoustic stuff and we can do all sorts of things there and change things around and do new things. That helps keep the show exciting.

 

BLADE: Do you still have the goatee?

GEORGE: I do.

 

BLADE: Your look at present seems more kind of genderfuck than androgynous. Just a whim or do you feel more comfortable with mixing in masculine elements than you have in previous years?

GEORGE: I just had some time off and didn’t shave for a few days and kind of looked at myself and thought, “Oh, I quite like this look.” It’s not something I really sat down and thought about. I just kind of grew my beard when I was on break and other people seemed to like it and other people didn’t like it, which made me want to keep it more. I might get bored with it at some point but I’m loving it at the moment.

 

BLADE: Lots of pop stars have played around with androgynous looks — I’m thinking of David Bowie and Prince — and the public seems to accept them as straight. You were always pretty much out for the most part. Do you feel the public overall has pretty good gaydar?

GEORGE: I don’t know really. I think there are some audiences that don’t really want to know, depending on the artist. Sometimes people have this kind of spare-me-the-details kind of attitude. I think it’s more about what kind of artist you are and in what ways you want to affect the audience. That’s the starting point for me. It’s about what’s going to make you happy, do you know what I mean? How much of yourself you reveal. I think it’s much easier for somebody straight to play around with these boundaries because they’re not being defined by their sexuality. If you’re gay, then you’re gay and you have to strike a sort of balance so people don’t feel you’re flaunting it in their face or preaching, you know. I think as a gay artist, you have to walk a much finer line than, say, somebody who’s just having a flirtation with this. I mean, it’s much easier for someone straight like Macklemore to sing a song with the word gay in it. A few years ago I made an album called “Cheapness and Beauty” and there was a song called “Same Thing in Reverse” and I was told categorically this will never, ever get played on the radio because I used the phrase “kamikaze queer” in it. You can get away with more when you’re straight.

 

BLADE: You’ve talked about making a new album with Culture Club this year. Is that still in the cards?

GEORGE: Yes, we are looking at the possibility of recording some stuff this year but at the moment, we’re kind of still in the writing stages. We’ve had some great sessions and we really did enjoy ourselves and it was a really nice experience. Everybody came away feeling really good about it and, you know, we’re going to see what we can do next.

 

BLADE: It’s so great to see you looking so good, sounding so good and apparently really thriving. A few of your contemporaries who were also huge in the ‘80s haven’t fared as well. What did you think and feel when you heard Michael Jackson and Whitney Houston had died?

GEORGE: Oh my God, you know, I mean Michael Jackson. And I loved Whitney Houston like so much. I was just a massive, massive fan. I loved her voice. And Michael Jackson, you know, I was at home when it happened and I just remember thinking, “Oh my God, this is so sad.” You know, he was such an incredible artist. For the last few years of his life, I felt like there was so much pressure on him and he looked world-weary every time I saw him. I felt such sadness for him. I was just so sad when he died and Whitney, what a shame for both of them. They were great, great artists. I was a huge Michael Jackson fan and a huge Whitney Houston fan and I’m not ashamed to say I did cry. I thought it was really sad.

 

BLADE: Conversely does it make you happy when you see some of those artists still doing well today. Like Cyndi Lauper, for instance, just won a Tony.

GEORGE: I’m always happy when anyone does well. That’s a measure of maturity, I think. Cyndi’s a friend. I haven’t seen her for a while, but she’s a great girl and, you know, yeah, I think when you see your contemporaries doing well, it gives you hope. You think, “OK, anything’s possible.”

 

BLADE: You recognized early on that fame was fickle and I remember you telling Johnny Carson you knew staying at that level at the height of Culture Club was not sustainable and that you envisioned yourself eventually writing songs for other artists and doing other things. How has that played out differently than you thought it might have when you were 22?

GEORGE: Oh, I think when you’re 22 you really think you know it all, don’t you? (laughs) You listen back to the things you say and you think, “Oh my God, you really thought you knew it all.” And I think at that age, you’re still learning so much. I feel very fortunate to still be doing what I love.

 

BLADE: Yes, but it struck me as rather insightful that you realized even then that pop careers always ebb and flow.

GEORGE: It may be one of the reasons I’ve done other things. I’ve never wanted to just rest on my laurels. I don’t have the idea of trying to kind of repeat something. So in a way, DJing has been an incredible second career for me. When I first started it, my manager at the time thought it was a really bad idea and told me I shouldn’t do it. But again, I just followed my instincts and it was the right thing to do because it allowed me to avoid nostalgia. I’ve been able to be involved in a quite progressive industry and not have to worry about what I used to be or, you know, the ‘80s, and all that stuff. So I’m really happy that I made that decision. I like to work. I’m a worker and I’m always up for a new challenge.

 

BLADE: Back in the early ‘90s, the theme from “Crying Game” was this huge out-of-nowhere smash radio hit in the U.S. Do you still sing it live?

GEORGE: From time to time. Actually, maybe that’s a good one to put into the set in America. I’ll write that down.

 

BLADE: Is it harder to break a song in the U.S. now than it was years ago? Not even with yourself, necessarily, but just in general?

GEORGE: I don’t know what it’s like now because I’m not involved in that kind of trying to have hits, you know. I think past a certain age, you’re just kind of marginalized in the world anyway.

 

BLADE: Does that bring with it artistic freedom?

GEORGE: I think it does. Once you kind of get over the shock and the horror that certain radio stations won’t play your new stuff no matter how good you are, I mean that’s really the bonkers thing. I’m not sure it’s as bad in America as it is here, but certainly here, it’s just ridiculous. But it kind of remains to be seen. It’s a very different landscape now. Making records is very different and the way we promote ourselves is very different. In a way I’m kind of starting again, so I’ll let you know.

 

BLADE: How many of the players from the album do you tour with?

GEORGE: All of them.

 

BLADE: The album has such a lush sound — is that easy to duplicate on stage?

GEORGE: Well, we have a nine-piece band that we’re touring with at great expense so we probably won’t be making any money. But I think it’s really important to have a great band and we had a great time in the UK last year. We do England and Europe then we go to America. We’ll be steaming by the time we get to the states.

 

BLADE: How long have you been a vegan?

GEORGE: I’m not strictly a vegan but I’m very conscious about what I eat and I don’t eat a lot of dairy, though I do eat some cheeses. I’ve been on a very particular metabolic plan diet for two years that’s all about your hormonal reaction to certain foods so some of the stuff I don’t eat is very random — like pumpkin, kale, onion or lemon. It’s very individual and different for each person. It’s been sort of life changing for me but I don’t really call myself anything because then you eat a piece of cheese and everybody freaks out.

 

BLADE: And you run too?

GEORGE: Well, I exercise.

 

BLADE: Is the U.S. version of the album the same?

GEORGE: No, it’s got more songs. I wrote a song called “Turn On a Little Light For Me,” which I wrote especially for the American album and which I love. We were asked by the label to provide some more stuff and I had a couple covers — “Video Games” by Lana Del Rey and the Bob Dylan song “Make You Feel My Love,” but I didn’t just want covers as the bonus content so I wrote a new song too. It’s about hope. A lovely kind of little Dylan-esque kind of song.

 

BLADE: Thanks for your time.

GEORGE: Thank you.

Advertisement
FUND LGBTQ JOURNALISM
SIGN UP FOR E-BLAST

Photos

PHOTOS: Freddie’s Follies

Drag show held during venue’s 24th anniversary weekend

Published

on

A scene from Freddie's Follies drag show on Saturday. (Washington Blade photo by Michael Key)


Freddie’s Follies drag show was held at Freddie’s Beach Bar in Arlington, Va. on Saturday, March 22. Performers included Destiny B. Childs, Sorority Heights, Sasha Adams Sanchez, Alameda Sanchez, and Gigi Paris Couture. The weekly show was held on the 24th anniversary weekend of the opening of Freddie’s Beach Bar.

(Washington Blade photos by Michael Key)

Continue Reading

Television

No, ‘Mid-Century Modern’ is not a ‘Golden Girls’ remake

And that’s a good thing

Published

on

The cast of ‘Mid-Century Modern.’ (Photo courtesy of Hulu)

There’s long been a desire for a gay version of “The Golden Girls.”

GenX (and younger) fans who have loved that show’s iconic quartet of aging female “frenemies” have been clamoring for it since the actual “Golden Girls” was still on the air – so by the time the creators of “Mid-Century Modern” came up with the idea for a show about three gay friends “of a certain age” (and one cantankerous mother) living together in Palm Springs, it was hardly an original idea. Yet even if they weren’t the first to fantasize about a show featuring the gay male equivalents of Dorothy, Blanche, Rose, and Sophia, it hardly matters. They were the ones that actually made it happen.

That’s due in large part to who they are – or at least, what they’ve done before. The two men who hatched the plot (Max Mutchnick and David Kohan) were also responsible for “Will & Grace.” After they teamed up for a brainstorming session with queer TV powerhouse Ryan Murphy – who eagerly joined forces with them as the show’s executive producer – there was enough viability behind it to bring the long-gestated dream to fruition at last.

The “at last” came this week, when all 10 episodes of the show’s debut season dropped on Hulu, and it’s undeniable that there was not only a dream behind it, but also a considerable amount of talent – most obviously in its casting. Headlining (as “lingerie mogul” Bunny Schneiderman) is longtime stage/screen/TV star Nathan Lane, a multi-award winner who is a legend for his “Bird Cage” performance alone, with eternally hunky Matt Bomer adding a whole different flavor of star power as ditsy-but-sweet-hearted (and blithely promiscuous) flight attendant Jerry. The trio of friends is rounded out by former fashion columnist Arthur, played with imperious aplomb by Nathan Lee Graham, a lesser-known but equally well-rounded veteran performer whose resume includes roles in “Zoolander” and “Priscilla, Queen of the Desert,” as well as a guest appearance on “Absolutely Fabulous.” Finally, sitcom royalty (and Tony-winner) Linda Lavin – who passed away in December, after filming had completed on the show’s inaugural season – is on hand to steal scenes as Sybil, Bunny’s pull-no-punches mother, who owns the house they all live in and makes sure to assert her matriarchal dominance at every opportunity.

In the pilot episode, titled “Bye, George,” Bunny, Jerry, and Arthur reunite to mourn the death of an old companion, with whom the trio of friends once formed a quartet. With each of them facing the uncertainty of a new life after changes in the old one have left them to cope on their own, Bunny decides to invite his two remaining buddies to move with him to Palm Springs, to live with his mother Sybil in a spectacular mid-century modern (hence the name) house that would probably make Frank Sinatra jealous. The arrangement, however, becomes precarious even before it officially begins, when Bunny connects with a much-younger hook-up and becomes smitten – forcing his two would-be roommates into a scheme to bring him back to his senses before he rescinds their invitation and offers it to his new “boyfriend” instead. It’s classic sitcom material, of course, with lots of crossed wires and jumped conclusions to fuel the wackiness – though in this case, at least, the show stops short of the zany hijinks one might expect from Lucy and Ethel (or even Rose or Blanche) before wrapping things up with a friendship-affirming bow. We can’t fault it for that; there’s a premise to be launched here, after all.

Besides, there’s plenty of other comfortable old-school sitcom fun to be had throughout: a sparring match between Arthur and Sybil, whose love-hate dynamic quickly sets the stage for an ongoing battle of sharp wits and sharper tongues; the air-headed naivete of Jerry, with Bomer both leaning into and undercutting the cliché of the pretty-but-dumb aging “twunk”; and Bunny’s sincere but impulsive starry-eyed sentimentality, which is frequently undercut by his “Dorothy-esque” natural instinct (and Lane’s natural talent) for bitchy queendom.

Yet while there are clear choices to mirror the iconic personality traits of the original “Golden Girls” crew in “Mid-Century Modern,” the new series seems less regimented in defining each of its characters quite so succinctly, opting instead for a sort of “blend” in which the familiar personas of the former show’s leading ladies are spread a little more evenly between the four of them together. The result is a show that is obviously a new variation on an established theme, but one in which echoes of the original can be detected in each of its disparate elements rather than confined within the plainly-delineated parameters from which they have been inherited. To put it more plainly, it’s a show that acknowledges and embraces the material which inspired it, but goes beyond mere imitation to carve a space of its own. Neither a remake nor a reboot, it’s more like an offspring, a separate entity unto itself despite the DNA it shares with its progenitor.

Which is, of course, the only way a show like this can have any real chance of success; to attempt a direct copy of the series that inspired it would spark inevitable (and well-deserved) criticisms of laziness, along with the myriad quibbles which would undoubtedly arise from displeased “Golden Girls” fans; yet to diverge too radically from the established format would eliminate the very reason for its existence. Its seasoned creators were savvy enough to know that a gimmick only goes so far, and they build a show that leaves room for growth beyond its origin as a nostalgic homage into a series with the potential to succeed in its own right. And with the first season helmed by director James Burrows (an 11-time Emmy-winner for his work on shows like “Taxi,” “Cheers” “Frasier” and “Will & Grace”), who brings the experienced hand necessary to create the kind of authentically “retro” piece of entertainment that this one aspires to be, the old-school vibe feels as fresh as it did when “The Golden Girls” debuted – almost 40 full years ago.

Whether that nostalgic pull is enough to make the show a hit is hard to predict. It has laugh-out-loud moments, and convincingly reasserts the importance of genuine friendship and chosen family that has always been a common element in such shows. At the same time, while “The Golden Girls” was unequivocally queer-friendly, it was not specifically queer-themed. Given today’s polarized sensibilities around queer content, the timing might be wrong to permit this decidedly queer evolution of its premise – which saucily pulls no punches when it comes to the details of queer sexuality as personified in its three very different but equally randy protagonists – to have the same universal appeal that made it a long-running mainstream hit.

Only time will tell. For now, you can watch the entire first season on Hulu, and make that call for yourself. For our part, we’re just happy to have another high-profile queer show to enjoy, because we all really need that right about now.

Continue Reading

Books

‘Hurt Capital’ chronicles young life of bipolar, trans writer

New book from Isaac Amend a rich and complicated tale

Published

on

‘Hurt Capital’ is available now at Amazon and from other retailers.

Washington Blade contributor Isaac Amend has published a new book, “Hurt Capital,” chronicling a range of topics related to his transgender status, a personal struggle following a psychotic breakdown, and more.  

BLADE: Why did you write this book and why now?

ISAAC AMEND: In college, I was an avid writer for the Yale Daily News, and tried to prepare myself for a good writing career, taking classes with Pulitzer Prize-winner Michael Cunningham, and other notable authors, including Anne Fadiman and Cynthia Zarin. But when I got out of college, I spent six or seven years in the real world, outside of Ivy gates, racking up experiences to write about — whether it was falling in love with a woman, getting hit by a car in Cyprus, or being manic for 13 months straight. But once all of those things were done, I went back to my literary roots, frantically scribbling books and articles in my room at night. Now I want to have some sort of writing career, and I can partly thank the Blade for that, as you welcome most of my op-eds. 

I felt like it was important to write about bipolar disorder in very honest and raw terms. I experienced a psychotic break from reality when I was 19 years old that I felt ashamed to tell everyone in my life about, but now I want to come clean with it. Recovering from a psychotic break is a complicated process, and I’ll never really know if my mind has fully recovered, but I do know that because of my break from reality, I’m able to tackle difficult problems in life without getting scared. I feel like it’s also important for the general public to know about how much hurt and pain transgender people feel on a daily basis, hence the name “Hurt Capital.” 

BLADE: Who’s the audience for your book?

AMEND: It’s funny, this is a question that all authors need to answer in a book proposal to agents, and I did exactly that, querying dozens of agents. My book has three target audiences. The first are expats, or expatriates. These are people who live overseas — either on embassies in South Asia or in suburban compounds on the outskirts of Moscow. These are the places that I grew up in, and I felt “genderless” for some of my time as an expatriate, frolicking to and fro with not a worry in the world as I grew up in Pakistan and India. I want to connect with other people who have lived overseas. 

The second target audience for my book are twins. I have an identical twin named Helen who is my best friend. I’m constantly trying to be a good brother to her, whether it’s helping her move apartments or buying her groceries. We connect on a very deep level, and I’m sure that my gender transition partly shocked her and in some ways, may have made her feel upset. It’s a unique phenomenon when one identical twin wants to be a man, and the other one wants to stay a woman. I’ll never fully understand how God made me bipolar and trans while he made my twin sister non-bipolar and cisgender. 

The third target audience for my book are individuals with mental health issues. I want to connect with other people who have also gone through psychotic breaks, been manic, talked at the speed of light, felt depressed, or felt so anxious that they had to pop a lot of pills and stay in bed. I want to connect with people who suffer from schizophrenia, bipolar, ADHD, and OCD, among many other diseases. These disorders are so complicated in nature, but we need to be honest about their dimensions and how to best treat them. 

BLADE: How long did it take to write and what was your process? 

AMEND: The book didn’t take me long to write. I churned out around 5,000 to 7,000 words in one week, then I had a 500 word per day policy — it’s a policy I implement with all of my books. I would write 500 words per day usually at a bar at night. I was living in D.C. back then and would frequent Nanny O’Brien’s, a well-known Irish dive bar open late. I would pull out my iPhone and write 500 words (but usually more) in Google Docs. There were all sorts of characters at Nanny O’Brien’s — bartenders who would scream at me if I didn’t tip enough, people from the Russian embassy, and famous politicos who would bring their golden retriever in tow. I almost got into a fistfight there with a Russian diplomat, but still miss the memories that bar curated. I even told my landlord at the time that I associated Nanny O’Brien’s with the book. 

BLADE: What are you thoughts on how the new Trump administration has attacked trans rights and do you see any hope in the near future?

AMEND: It’s a travesty, what’s going on. The new administration is cruel beyond belief, yet I still retain some semblance of hope for the future. I see our nation as divided, but a nation that still elects an almost equal amount of Republicans to the presidency as it does Democrats. Most large cities in the U.S. are dominated by progressive people who understand the value in diversifying sexuality and gender identities, and celebrating that diversity. I always tell people to “vote with their feet,” as in, if you have the privilege of being able to move to a new location, move to a city that is full of liberal minded people. But many trans youth don’t have the privilege of moving; they are stuck in schools full of students that bully them for their gender. Indeed, there is a massive mental health crisis happening among trans youth. The Trump administration has banned everyone under the age of 19 from receiving gender affirming care, and that is cruel. I have spoken openly about my belief that adolescents and other youth should be able to access puberty blockers, and I maintain that stance. 

This seems out of left field, but I’ve seriously thought about pooling money together to pay for trans youth to receive medical care in Canada. It’s sort of a gauche idea, because trans youth presumably need to stay in school in the U.S., and their parents would have to agree to them going up north, but the idea still persists in my head. I guess I dream of ways that these kids can feel better, and receiving care in Canada comes to mind. 

BLADE: What’s your message to young trans kids who are frightened during these difficult times?

AMEND: Keep your head up. Older trans people like me are fighting for you to have better lives. If someone tries to put you down in school just remember that they are putting you down out of an insecurity they harbor about themself or the world. Secretly, they feel inferior. Don’t forget that the qualities that you bring to the table — your unique gender and/or sexual identity — is what makes you beautiful. 

BLADE: There are many queer memoirs out there; what’s unique about your story?

AMEND: My story is intersectional, meaning I weave a story about a transgender man who is also bipolar and is a twin and grew up overseas in Saudi Arabia, Pakistan, India, Russia, and Jordan. It’s not a one-dimensional story. It’s rich and complicated with tales of being manic and going on testosterone and being psychotic and hoping that I don’t lose all of my marbles in front of my twin and little sister and the rest of my family. I speak of KGB henchmen in Russia and spooks here in D.C. (kind of like that Russian diplomat who almost tried to punch me). I speak of many things—not just being queer.

The following is an excerpt from “Hurt Capital,” which is available now at Amazon and other retailers.

Dear Mom,

The pills in my bathroom cabinet are sitting next to each other like fifteen linebackers on a football field. Bolton. Edmunds. Greenlaw. Wagner. Warner. The Chiefs are winning, and I haven’t even spotted Travis Kelce yet. They’re all famous–each single pill bottle–each capsule I need to swallow with orange juice at night. I get the high pulp kind, now, from Trader Joe’s, that costs around four bucks. Semi pulp doesn’t put the tablets down fast enough. I’ve got every kind of med imaginable since my first episode ten years ago. 

Bipolar has never felt so bad. But it’s also never felt so good. The mania that lasted for a year last September has crept away, but its high still remains in my head. At least partly. Partially. Essentially. Basically, it was awesome. I celebrated at every turn. Went walking for hours on end, only to feel my breath creeping into my lungs, and out, past midnight, when I dreamt of fairytales and candy cane land and piles of dollars stacked so high in front of Rick Ross. So high that he forgot he sold coke. I forgot he sold coke. I forgot a lot of that year, Mom. 

Iwant to be like Rick Ross one day. I want to star in a song with Drake. Rapping about lemon pepper chicken and taking my celebrity son to French Montessori. I want to be a hustler, a gangster at every turn, a coke warlord just fiending for a kingdom. The kingdom I create is in my mind: it’s ruled by Dostoevsky and Tolstoy and even Pushkin. I named a cat after Pushkin. Russian writers have never felt so real. I want them to come back from the dead and resurrect themselves–all polished and everything. No wax. I remember visiting Tolstoy’s grave with you in Moscow, when henchmen roamed the city at night and CIA officers were prowling the embassy’s corridors. I was scared in Moscow. Scared back then. Scared of my female body. But now it’s a male one, and I’m a son. I’m your son, Mom. But I’m troubled. Very troubled indeed.  

I went to a soccer game again. We are named Footyholics. We played near Logan Circle, in the backyard of a school, and I swear the soccer ball was going to kill me. It hit my head, with a bang–not a whimper–and zoomed past some crust on my earlobes. My black stud almost shook for a bit. I clenched the ring you got me on my index finger. You got it from Delhi, and now I’m remembering things back there as well, when you and I lived in India. But there are many things I still can’t remember, Mom. Just trust me on that one. Trust me. 

Here’s one thing I do remember, though: getting in that car accident with you. In Delhi. You were all up in the front seat, and Helen and I were in the back. And a motorcyclist went clamp on the right window, and his flesh and blood were splayed all near for us to see. He died that day, and I think that’s the first time I ever saw you cry. I only saw you cry a second time, when Dad was in Kabul, and you missed him like hell, and Phoebe had a tantrum on the National Gallery steps, and you drove us back home, teary-eyed, and you just sat crying that day, in the DC suburbs. And there was not a damn thing I could do about it. 

We lost the soccer game. Footyholics lost. But we grabbed a few beers after, at a place near the traffic circle, where expats and missionaries and bankers were fiending for a beer as well, all alike, just as I was fielding for a kingdom in my head. I swear this city is ruled by sociopaths sometimes. They just crawl around here, like ants around a hill, waiting to wreak havoc. 

At the bar we were sitting outside, on a wooden table, and we all ordered some beers and some tacos and stuff. And some burritos with chicken. And I swear I shouldn’t drink, but I’m just like your husband–there’s nothing that tastes better than alcohol in this world, Mom. But beer is bad for me. It’s bad for a guy who thinks a soccer ball is going to kill him. At the restaurant, I spotted a street sweeper brushing away leaves. I suddenly fixated on the sweeper: on his crew cut, his black boots, his leather skin. I thought he was manic for leaves. I also thought the waitress hated Jesus until a cross kissed her neck. I thought many things, Mom, and none of them were true. 

The Blade may receive commissions from qualifying purchases made via this post.

Continue Reading
Advertisement
Advertisement

Sign Up for Weekly E-Blast

Follow Us @washblade

Advertisement

Popular