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My best friend is addicted to steroids

How can I help him when he lashes out?

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(Photo by Dundanim/Bigstock)

Hi Michael,

Iā€™ve been best friends with Chris since we were kids. Weā€™re both gay and both wound up in D.C. after college. And we’re roommates. 

The trouble started about a year and a half ago. Chris, who has always liked working out, started getting absorbed in bodybuilding.

He started spending hours a day working out and all these weird powders and supplements started piling up in the kitchen.

Chris became obsessed with building muscle. When he told me he was trying steroids, I told him that was a bad idea but he told me he was doing it under medical supervision and I shouldnā€™t worry.

In recent months heā€™s a changed person. Heā€™s short with me a lot, angers easily. He got into a few screaming matches with Matthew, his boyfriend, that I overheard. He sounded paranoid and out-of-control. Guess what? Matthew walked out on him.

Iā€™m not proud but I did a little snooping (basically looked in his bathroom) – and the stuff was everywhere.

Last week he lost his job. He wouldnā€™t tell me why but I am pretty sure itā€™s due to his increasingly weird and angry behavior. I told him thatā€”and told him that I know heā€™s using a lot more than he should (is any amount OK?)ā€”and he majorly blew up at me. Now heā€™s not talking to me and he texted me I should move out and not wait until our lease is up.

I donā€™t know what to do. I love Chris deeplyā€”but it seems like the guy Iā€™ve known for 20 years is gone and has been replaced by a mean paranoid guy who is driving his life off a cliff.

Iā€™m wondering about letting his parents know. Iā€™ve known them since childhood and Iā€™m hoping they can talk some sense into him. Or an intervention with all his friends (none of whom he is speaking to anymore for one reason or another, but the real reason is his crazy behavior).  Maybe we could confront him and get him to stop.  

But Iā€™m not sure what the right thing to do is and donā€™t want to alienate him completely.  Any thoughts or ideas for a good strategy?

Michael replies:

Iā€™m sorry, I know itā€™s excruciating to watch someone you love struggle with addiction. I donā€™t think you can get Chris to stop or moderate his use.

You have shared your concerns with Chris, and heā€™s blown up at you. This is not a guy who wants to look at his life choices critically.

You could tell his parents, but you have to weigh the risks versus benefits. Maybe they would be able to influence Chris to cut back on his steroid use. Or maybe heā€™d just cut himself off from them as well, further deepening his isolation, and perhaps leading to his being even less tethered to reality.

I would make similar points about an intervention: Sometimes they have a positive impact on the person who is being confronted. Sometimes they donā€™t do much except rile the person up, and lead him or her to dig further into denial and isolation. 

My own experience is that interventions have a greater chance of being helpful when the person can acknowledge the unmanageability of the addiction and is willing to try something different. Chris doesnā€™t sound like he is anywhere near that point.

Simply put, thereā€™s no easy fix to this, because only Chris gets to decide how he wants to live his life, even if his choices are ruinous.

Hereā€™s what you can do:

First, if Chris starts talking to you again, be supportive without being enabling. This means not criticizing him or telling him what to do; letting him know that you care about him and are there to help if he wants help; not joining him in minimizing the seriousness of his situation; and having a boundary when necessary. 

For example: 

If there are times when he is pleasant to be with, enjoy them. 

If heā€™s snapping at you for no reason, you can say ā€œhey, itā€™s not fun to be with you when youā€™re like thisā€”Iā€™ll see you later.ā€

If heā€™s lamenting his job loss, you might reply, ā€œIā€™m sorry you lost your jobā€”and Iā€™m sure you could take steps to succeed in another job.ā€ 

If he attempts to start an argument with you about how his steroid use is not a problem, or that youā€™re blowing it out of proportion, donā€™t join the argument. ā€œSorry, I see it differently, and Iā€™m not going to argue with you about this.ā€

If he continues to not speak to you, you can still continue to reach out to him now-and-then, in ways that donā€™t require him to respond, to let him know you that youā€™ll be there for him if he needs help at some point.

One more thing you can do is get some support for yourself. This is a tough situation for you as well. Itā€™s easy for someone in your situation to feel like youā€™re doing the wrong thing, no matter what you do. 

Iā€™d suggest that you attend at least a few Al-Anon meetings. Al-Anon is a support fellowship for people whose loved ones are struggling with addiction. Youā€™ll get support in recognizing that there really are limits to what you can do; in setting a boundary when you need to; and in knowing that you are not alone.

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online atĀ michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it toĀ [email protected].

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Advice

I want to leave my perfect boyfriend

Good-looking, caring partner is smothering me

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Iā€™ve gotten into what is now a serious relationship because of him, not me. (Photo by Diego Cervo/Bigstock)

Hi Michael,

Iā€™m in a relationship I think I donā€™t want to be in.

Ed is very sweet and thatā€™s part of the problem. He is always solicitous of me, caring, kind, agreeable. I donā€™t want to hurt his feelings, which I certainly would do if I dump him.

Weā€™ve gotten into what is now a serious relationship because of him, not me.  He kept asking me out on one date after another, and I kept saying yes.  He proposed being exclusive, and I said yes.  

I was lonely, Edā€™s cute and a nice guy, and it felt good to be cared about. 

Ed is great at planning a fun life. Dinners, vacations, socializing. My life is way more exciting than it used to be.  Ed takes the initiative on everything and heā€™s very good at it.

But I feel smothered, like I donā€™t have a say in how I live and what I do. We spend all our time together. And my friends are now ā€œourā€ friends because he always joins me when I get together with them.

I canā€™t talk about this with him because I don’t think he can handle it. If he sees the least sign of me being upset, he says, ā€œWhatā€™s wrong? Are you mad at me?ā€ with this vulnerable tone in his voice. Heā€™s told me heā€™s afraid of losing me when Iā€™ve shown any unhappiness. 

Iā€™m no longer attracted to him. I donā€™t know why, heā€™s as cute as ever.

Sometimes I wonder whatā€™s wrong with me. I have a good-looking, caring boyfriend. So many guys want this. I should be happy. But Iā€™m not.

On the other hand, Iā€™m afraid that if I break up with Ed I will be lonely all over again and maybe never find such a caring person.

Any guidance you have would be appreciated in how to think about this and sort it out.

Michael replies:

This relationship is giving you all sorts of opportunities to become a more solid person.

First point to consider: If you canā€™t set boundaries, you will spend your life twisting yourself into a pretzel to accommodate others. Thatā€™s what is happening now with Ed. 

When we are struggling to succeed at an important life skill, as you are here, itā€™s helpful to think how our personal history may be contributing to our being stuck.

Some possibilities for you to consider: What example did your parents model? Perhaps they had trouble setting boundaries in their relationships, so you didnā€™t learn how to do so. Or perhaps when you were growing up, you didnā€™t have much say about what you could or couldnā€™t do, so you didnā€™t learn you could speak up about what is important to you. 

Iā€™m painting with a broad brush here, just to inspire your own thinking. While our lives arenā€™t rigidly determined by our pasts, the ways that we learned to relate as we grew up do have a powerful influence on how we live in the present. Having some sense of what has shaped our operating system can help us loosen up and try new ways of behaving.

Second (and related) point: You cannot go through life without ever disappointing anyone or you will (as noted above) start to resemble a pretzel. Yes, youā€™ll likely upset Ed when you tell him that youā€™re unhappy in the relationship. But if Ed is going to address his clingy and needy behavior, he needs to hear this.  

At their best, relationships challenge us to grow. This relationship is pushing you to tolerate disappointing someone you care about, in the service of saying what you need to say. And guess what? Your letting Ed know where you stand will challenge him to work on his own relational wobbliness. Very cool.

Third point: Why are you not stepping forward with your own ideas about what you want to do and how you want to live? You are letting Ed do all the work. What is up with that?

One obvious explanation: Your difficulty setting a boundary is stopping you from asserting what you want. In other words, your inability to say ā€œnoā€ is leading you to feel stifled in this relationship. Good news: you have the power to change this.

Another possibility: Maybe you donā€™t actually have much in the way of interests or ideas for what you would like to do, and Ed is merely filling the void so that the two of you have some kind of life together.

If so, I encourage you to start thinking about what is meaningful to you. Developing a selfā€”figuring out what is important to you, what you care aboutā€”is one of the great tasks and great joys of being alive. If you just keep doing what others around you wantā€”boyfriends, friends, familyā€”you may keep feeling resentful and will squander your life.

I donā€™t know if you would actually enjoy being with Ed if you do the work to become a solid person who speaks up about what is important and brings his own agenda to the relationship. While itā€™s your decision to do so or not, I urge you not to decide based on fear of stepping outside your comfort zone. 

And please consider that this work would help you in any future relationship, if you end things with Ed.

One more point: Itā€™s no surprise that youā€™ve lost interest in having sex with Ed. Being enmeshed with someone as tightly as you describe your fusion with Ed is a desire-killer.  Perhaps this would change if you give yourself some room to breathe.

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online atĀ michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it toĀ [email protected].

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Advice

Navigating these uncertain times

You have no power over others, but you have a lot of power over yourself

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This Valentineā€™s Day brings a lot of extra stress; here are some principles to help you cope. (Photo by digitalista/Bigstock)

For Valentineā€™s Day, I was planning to write a column about shifts we can make in our attitudes and behaviors to strengthen our love relationships and deepen our connection with our partners.

Then, over the past few weeks, as Iā€™ve been listening to many of my clients express their concerns about the state of our country and our world, I realized that much of what is required to have a great relationship can also help us get through the difficult times we live in.

So here are some principles that I hope will help you to navigate both the challenges of being in a close relationship and the challenges of uncertain times. 

These principles overlap because they are all components of an approach to living that focuses on developing and maintaining agency over your life, and working to strengthen your resilience. The more solid you are, the better you can get through the hard stuff.

Strive to behave with integrity, in a way that you respect. You are likely to feel a lot better about yourself if you do what you believe is right, rather than betraying your values out of fear or to please others. The playwright Lillian Hellman, pressed to appear before the House Committee on Un-American Activities in 1952 and ā€œname names,ā€ said it well: ā€œI cannot and will not cut my conscience to suit this yearā€™s fashions.ā€ (Of course, only you can decide how to balance possible consequences with the importance of honoring your principles.)

Stand up for what you believe in. Being quiet out of fear or concern for what others will think leaves us feeling like helpless victims. And you cannot have an intimate relationship when you donā€™t let your partner know important parts of who you are. 

Strive to be non-reactive. Do your best to not let others (or circumstances) press your buttons so that you lash out, rather than responding thoughtfully and with deliberation, based on your values.

Strive to always soothe your anxiety. The philosopher Viktor Frankl wrote: ā€œBetween stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.ā€ When someone or something is starting to make us crazy, the best first move we can make is to quiet ourselves. Doing so allows us to think how to best respond.

Thereā€™s a great saying from Twelve Step programs: ā€œIf you want to have self-esteem, behave in esteemable ways.ā€ You are more likely to do so when you first calm yourself, rather than exploding with anxiety or rage.

Strive to tolerate discomfort: Sometimes we canā€™t do much about what is making us uncomfortable or causing us distress. Our partner may not change in ways we would like; our job situation may be rough; we may face hostility in the outside world. Identifying how we can deal with challenges and difficult circumstances in a way that helps us become stronger and more resilient can often help us to weather them a bit more easily. 

Strive to tolerate uncertainty: There really are no guarantees about anything important in life. Thatā€™s the way it goes. We canā€™t know how things will turn out ā€”neither our relationships nor our lives nor the fate of humanity. So if we are to construct a meaningful life, we have no choice other than to keep putting one foot in front of the other, doing our best to respond thoughtfully and to have an impact when and where we can, without knowing the outcome.

Strive to stay anchored in reality, not lost in feelings.  When we let our feelings run the show, itā€™s easy to get spun up and reactive. While our feelings are a source of information, they are not reality. All sorts of thingsā€”our pasts, the distortions of social media, what people around us are doing and sayingā€”can contribute to how we feel about a situation. 

Yes, itā€™s always a good idea to be aware of our feelings. But before acting on them, calm yourself, get some clarity about why you may be feeling what youā€™re feeling, and think about how reality lines up (or doesnā€™t line up) with what youā€™re feeling. In other words, aim to keep the big picture in mind.

Remember that you cannot change others, but you may at times be able to influence them. For example, when I first became vegetarian, I wanted to push my friends to adopt a vegetarian diet by ā€œenlighteningā€ them about the misery of factory farms and the environmental cost of raising animals for food. I soon realized that lectures and judgment are not a great way to change minds. Serving delicious vegetarian food for a dinner is more helpful. So think about how you can reach out to someone or to others with different views, in a way that they are more likely to hear you. 

Obviously, there are limits to this approach. There may be times when you arenā€™t going to be heard, no matter how you say what you have to say.  The point at which we shift from reaching out to someone to taking a ā€œdonā€™t tread on meā€ stance can be tricky to discern, and the decision to make that shift should be taken thoughtfully and with appreciation of possible consequences.

Keep your focus mainly on what you can do about a situation. Focus less on what the other person is doing wrong, or not doing. While you have little or no power over others, you have a lot of power over yourself.  Thinking about what you can do to effect at least some of the change you would like, in your relationship or your community or our world, is an antidote to feeling powerless.

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online atĀ michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it toĀ [email protected].)

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Advice

My partner wonā€™t come out to her parents

How to cope when you love someone whoā€™s closeted

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Donā€™t judge too harshly when a partner refuses to come out to parents. (Photo by Wavebreak Media/Bigstock)

Dear Michael:

Iā€™m having a terrible communication problem with my girlfriend. She just isnā€™t hearing me on some issues that mean a lot.

Nicki doesnā€™t get why itā€™s important for me that we be out to her parents as a couple. Iā€™ve explained my position over and over. Iā€™m not willing to hide or pretend, and doing so makes things way more complicated down the road, if we stay together. Eventually weā€™d have to explain our lies. Itā€™s crazy to imagine hiding our marriage, or hiding children. More than crazy!

How can you be believable about anything if you arenā€™t honest about who you are and the nature of your relationship?

Nickiā€™s whole response boils down to her being afraid that her parents will reject her (theyā€™re deeply religious, conservative). Me trying to explain to her that you canā€™t let fear run your life just doesnā€™t penetrate her brain.

As a result I havenā€™t met her parents yet, and our relationship is a lot more tentative than I would like it to be at this point.

Besides this ā€œbiggie,ā€ there is one other issue that she just doesnā€™t get, no matter how much I explain my position: She makes fun of me a lot ā€” especially when weā€™re out with friends. About all sorts of things. How I dress (too stereotypically lesbian in her view); my interests (same criticism); my supposed inability to cook; my bad driving; my loving my dog too much. And more.

Nicki either says sheā€™s not making fun of me, or says that sheā€™s just kidding around and I am too serious. The more I ask her to stop, the more she tells me to ā€œlighten up.ā€ She just isnā€™t hearing me.

Aside from communication issues around these big topics, we have an otherwise great relationship that I would like to last. However, this stuff isnā€™t acceptable.

What more can I do to communicate more clearly in a way that she will hear me?

Michael replies:

It sounds like youā€™re both making your points loud and clear. You criticize Nicki, and Nicki criticizes you.

Communication means that you say what you want to say to your partner, and you listen when she wants to share something.  It does not mean that you get your partner to agree with you or behave as you want her to.

Even if you think that Nickiā€™s not being out to her parents is crazy, she doesnā€™t have to come out to them.  

Is Nicki open to the idea of eventually coming out to her parents? Mustering the courage to do so can be a slow process. If Nicki would like to work on this, and you are willing to wait, then stay in the relationship and work on being patient and accepting. But if this is a deal breaker issue now, Nicki is not for you.

While you can continue to try to change Nicki, this tactic doesnā€™t seem to be getting you anywhere, except annoyed. You have a lot of power over your own behavior, but little power over how your partner behaves. In other words, you get to be with the person you are with; not a hypothetical ā€œimprovedā€ version that better suits you.

With regard to the teasing issue: I believe that if someone you care about tells you that you are hurting them, itā€™s a good idea to listen. I donā€™t get why Nicki wants to keep behaving toward you in ways that you find painful. Could it be that all of this is linked?

Perhaps Nicki is hurt or annoyed or angry that you wonā€™t accept her not being out to her parents; and is getting back at you for your ongoing pestering by torturing you with criticisms and insults. Or, perhaps your hurt, annoyance, and anger over Nickiā€™s ongoing teasing is leading you to retaliate by continually criticizing her closeted status.

Think of your relationship as a system: When one part of a system changes, it impacts the entire system. If either one of you changes your behavior for the better, you will likely have a positive impact on your relationship. Do you want to make the first move, and see what happens?

You might also begin an ongoing discussion with Nicki about the benefits of being respectful toward each other, listening to each other, striving to understand each otherā€™s points of view, and tolerating that you sometimes see both minor and important issues differently.

But only start that discussion if it makes sense to you that having a decent relationship depends on your continually striving to do these things.

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online atĀ michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it toĀ [email protected].

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