Living
Labor of love
Md. man remembers late spouse, years of activism
![Tom Toth, Larry Esser, gay news, Washington Blade](https://www.washingtonblade.com/content/files/2013/01/Tom_Toth_and_Larry_Esser_thumb_courtesy_Esser.jpg)
GLEN BURNIE, Md.āLarry Esser was 25 when he met Tom Toth on his first day of work at the old Chessie Systemās office in Baltimore in June 1981. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention had just reported the first cases of what later became known as AIDS. Marylandās anti-sodomy law was still on the books, but Toth, who was 32 years older than Esser, felt it was important to live his life as an openly gay man.
āTom kind of pursued me, to put it quite bluntly,ā Esser tells the Washington Blade during a Dec. 13 interview. āI really liked him, thatās the funny thing. I didnāt feel like he was imposing himself or anything like that … heās the bravest person Iāve ever met. His personal courage astonished me.ā
Esser stressed he āhad no idea I was gayā when he met his future spouse. He grew up in what he describes as an āextremely strict Roman Catholic householdā in Connecticut where he routinely heard gay people āwere probably worse than murderers and they were to be avoided at all costsā and they were āmentally defective.ā Esser eventually found himself in a relationship with another man he conceded wasnāt āgoing anywhereā when Toth finally made his move.
āHe was sitting at his desk and he was singing,ā Esser recalls, laughing. āIt was like in a joking sort of way he was singing and the other people around him were laughing when he was doing it and he was singing something about itās springtime and itās time for love. The way he tells this story, I came in the door and heard him singing that and I tried to sneak away. I didnāt want any part of that. And he saw me and he said, āUh oh.ā And thatās when he began to realize that I was not what he thought I was. How can you explain how two people fall in love? I canāt explain that. But it just happened. I wasnāt afraid of him personally.ā
Coupleās activism starts at home
The couple routinely engaged in what Esser calls āguerrilla activismā that began when he said the railroad fired him after they began dating in 1983 because of his sexual orientation. He considered moving back to Connecticut, but Toth insisted he move into the small Glen Burnie home he shared with his then-84-year-old mother, Mary.
āThere was no arguing with that,ā Esser says. āThe funny thing is when he said it, it was exactly what I wanted to hear, but of course I couldnāt ask him that. It was up to him to ask me, and he did. And I was delighted.ā
Esser took care of Tothās elderly mother until she died the following year. He says the same Chessy System vice president whom he claims fired him threatened to do the same to his partner once he found out they were living together. (He says the railroad in the late 1970s had tried to fire an early member of the Baltimore Gay Alliance that later became the GLBT Community Center of Baltimore and Central Maryland, but the union fought for him.)
āHe couldnāt do it directly,ā Esser says, recalling efforts to fire Toth, who was a unionized stenographer. āHe did a bunch of different things to try to get Tom to quit. And amazingly, Tom was actually ready to resign. A woman whose name I canāt remember, but will always be grateful to her told him donāt resign because the railroad is going to do a bunch of buyouts and youāll be able to get a lump sum payment and retire, and thatās what he did.ā
The couple also for years distributed copies of the Blade at locations throughout Anne Arundel County.
They decided to approach the Anne Arundel County Public Library Board of Trustees in Annapolis in 1993 after they read about the newspaperās threatened lawsuit against the Fairfax County (Va.) Library for its proposed ban on the publicationās distribution inside its branches. Esser said Toth was āreally rough with them,ā in part because āheād gone through a very repressive time back in the 1950s.ā (He lived in Manhattan for 25 years and the New York Police Department once arrested him during a gay bar raid.)
āWhen we got to the library board, he told them point blank, āYouād better do this,āā Esser says. āThey were not happy. They were not happy at all. I think some of them were actually kind of sympathetic to what we wanted to do, but they were taken aback by how assertive he was. They werenāt used to that. The library board is used to people coming and requesting things, not telling them what theyāre going to do. And they were not happy.ā
Esser says one of the board members later told him the board did not want to meet with Toth anymore because āhe was very blunt,ā but in the end they granted them permission to place 15 copies of the Blade in libraries in Glen Burnie, Severna Park and Annapolis. They continued distributing the Blades each week from the Center for more than two decades.
āBy putting the paper there, I always felt that, I always wondered ā¦ if a young person going by thinking they were maybe gay or knew they were gay but felt very isolated, if they saw those papers, maybe that would give them a little bit of encouragement or a little bit of reassurance. But the other point was just sheer visibility. By having those papers there, Tom used to say … if even one person picks one up, he said even if they throw them away they still got to look at them. And that was an excellent point. And he was quite right. That meant a lot to us.ā
Trust the truth
The AIDS epidemic had begun to exert its toll on gay men by the time the couple began dating ā Esser recalls a time both he and Toth went to a small Severna Park health clinic to get HIV tests. Toth says the nurse asked him whether he was a gay man. āHe said that was the first time in his entire life anyone asked him that directly,ā Esser says. āHe had never been asked that question.ā
Esser says he felt the atmosphere during the late 1980s was āpretty optimisticā in spite of the epidemic and late-North Carolina Sen. Jesse Helms, fundamentalist preachers Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson and other social conservatives who sought to demonize gay men during the AIDS crisis.
āOddly enough, Tom never disliked [then-President Ronald] Reagan, but I think thatās because he remembered him from his movie star days,ā Esser says. āHe felt Reagan didnāt understand the whole situation that he was dealing with AIDS and gay people. He felt that Reagan really just didnāt understand it. Itās not that he was anti-gay particularly; he just didnāt really know what he was doing … I didnāt feel so kindly to Reagan at all. I thought he was just horrible.ā
Toth and Esser also became involved in the effort to add sexual orientation to Marylandās non-discrimination law in the 1990s.
He recalls one legislator who was āreally being ridiculous, saying really ugly things about usā during a hearing on the measure in Annapolis. One of this lawmakerās colleagues who had refused to listen to his speech asked Toth and Esser how they could stand to hear his rhetoric.
āTom said, āWell we know it isnāt true, so we donāt worry about it,āā Esser says. āOf course youāve got to fight. You canāt let people say things that arenāt true and let them say it without challenging it. And Tom did that. But at the same time you canāt let it stop you. You canāt let that negativism stop you. You have to keep fighting, pushing against it and thatās what Tom really, really did.ā
Esser notes that Tothās life spanned the same period through which Frank Kameny lived ā the two met during the 2000 D.C. Pride parade. And Esser says when they met, it was as if they were kindred spirits.
āThey were really speaking the same language,ā he says, noting both Esser and Kameny came of age in the 1950s when lobotomies were performed as a way to cure homosexuality. āIt was very impressive for me being a younger person relative to them seeing what these two men must have come through and how they were both so determined to do what they were doing. They refused to back down. They refused to accept what they were being told they had to accept. They wouldnāt do it. And that was a beautiful thing to me. Itās a moment I will never forget.ā
Mesothelioma that Toth developed from asbestos exposure while working at a Baltimore shipyard that built liberty ships during World War II had already taken its toll by the time Gov. Martin OāMalley signed the stateās same-sex marriage law in March.
Toth and Esser legally married in D.C. in 2010, but he wanted to vote for both Question 6 and President Obama on Election Day. He applied for an absentee ballot because he did not think he would live until Nov. 6.
It arrived in the mail in early October.
āIt came and I said do you want to sign it?,ā Esser, who fought leukemia at the same time his spouse struggled with mesothelioma, says. āAnd he said, āNo, Iāll do it tomorrow. Well the next day he wasnāt strong enough.ā
Toth died three days later ā on Oct. 11 ā at age 88.
āHe never did sign the absentee ballot,ā Esser says. āHe was very aware of what was going on. He was politically interested. He definitely wanted Obama to win. We just detested Romney. The hardest thing to communicate to people who were not gay (is) how much Obama had done to us, compared to everybody else.ā
Esser says Toth wondered whether history would remember Obama along the same lines as Franklin Roosevelt in terms of āwhat he had done, particularly for gay rights.ā
āWhen you come from a time where you were ignored totally … and suddenly hereās the president and heās doing all these executive orders and this happening and thatās happening and then he comes out in favor of same-sex marriage, well thatās fantastic,ā Esser says. āHe was just delighted.ā
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![](https://www.washingtonblade.com/content/files/2023/07/for_rent_sign_insert_by_Bigstock.jpg)
As the summer rental season ramps up, be aware that scams can affect both tenants and landlords. As a property owner looking to rent out your space, you might encounter various fraudulent schemes when advertising your property online. Understanding these scams and recognizing the red flags can save you stress and even financial loss.
Three of the most common scams that landlords face in the District of Columbia include the following:
1. Fake Payment Scams
Tenants provide fraudulent checks or money orders for rent or security deposits. These payments appear legitimate initially, but eventually bounce or are identified as fake.
Why it works: Scammers take advantage of the delay between the initial deposit and the time it takes for banks to identify fraudulent checks, allowing them to secure access to the property. Once they do, they have possession and in the District of Columbia, that means a court case to remove them.
Prevention Steps:
- Verify Funds: Wait for the check or money order to fully clear before handing over keys or signing the lease. This can take several days.
- Use Electronic Payments: Encourage tenants to use electronic payment methods like bank transfers or verified payment apps, which can be more secure and quicker to verify.
- Bank Verification: Contact the issuing bank to verify the authenticity of the payment instrument.
2. Identity Theft Scams
Prospective tenants use stolen or fake identities to pass background and credit checks. Once they secure the lease, they may engage in illegal activities or fail to pay rent.
Why it works: Scammers exploit the reliance on documentation and credit reports which, if fake, can be difficult to verify without thorough checks.
Prevention Steps:
- Thorough Screening: Conduct comprehensive background checks, including employment and previous rental history.
As a self-managing landlord, this can be both time-consuming and complicated. There are several easy ways to get caught in unlawful methods of screening based on the Districts strict tenant laws. When in doubt to get it legally right, seek out professional help, so you do not inadvertently end up violating regulations in place to protect renters.
- In-Person Meetings: Meet prospective tenants in person and request multiple forms of identification to verify their identity. Again, itās critical to do this within the boundaries of the law. Make sure if you do it for one, do the same process, have the same questions and take the same actions for all interested parties.
- Cross-Check Information: Contact employers and previous landlords directly using publicly available contact information to confirm details provided by the tenant. Make sure you are indeed speaking to their prior or current landlord by preparing very specific questions about their lease agreement or other items a fake reference will not know or will stumble to answer.
3. Subletting Scams
Tenants illegally sublet the property to others, often at a higher rate, without the landlordās knowledge or permission. This can lead to over-occupancy and property damage. You may also not know who is living in your unit or if they would have qualified if you had screened them. Lastly, if they have possession of your property, getting them out involves a court case.
Why it works: Scammers take advantage of landlords who do not monitor their properties closely, allowing them to profit from unauthorized subletting.
Prevention Steps:
- Find management: Ensure that preventative steps are taken, to ensure renter compliance with any sub-letting rules youāve laid down in the original agreement.
- Regular Inspections: Conduct regular property inspections to ensure that only authorized tenants are residing in the property. Inspections in the District are tricky, a landlord cannot just enter at will or too frequently. Be sure you know the rules, or ask a professional for advice before you enter your renter-occupied property.
- Lease Clauses: Include clear clauses in the lease agreement that prohibit subletting without written permission from the landlord. Is your agreement rock solid? Or do you need professionals on your side who know what to do to ensure both you and your renters are protected fairly?
- Neighborhood Watch: Establish good communication with neighbors who can alert you to any suspicious activity or unauthorized occupants. If you used to live at that location your former neighbors and friends are the best way to keep eyes and ears out on what is going on in your property and to alert you to any unusual behaviors.
By taking these preventive measures, landlords can better protect themselves from common scams and ensure a more secure rental process.
Anatomy of a Common Rental Scam
Another prevalent scam starts when you post an advertisement for your rental property. Scammers may copy your listing, post it at a lower price, and pretend they are the landlords. Unsuspecting tenants may pay a deposit to them or even the first month’s rent to these fraudsters, believing they are securing their new home. Hereās how the scam typically unfolds:
Step 1: Scammers take the details and photos from your legitimate listing and create a fake one, often with lower rent to attract more potential tenants.
Step 2: They claim to be out of town and unable to show the property, urging potential tenants to drive by and view the property from the outside.
Step 3: They ask for a security deposit or the first monthās rent via online payment methods before the tenant has signed a lease or even seen the inside of the property.
How to Protect Yourself
Here are some steps you can take to protect yourself from these scams:
Secure Your Listing: Use reputable rental platforms and websites known for their security measures to advertise your property.
Watermark Your Photos: Adding a watermark to the images in your rental listings can prevent scammers from easily stealing your photos.
Educate Potential Tenants: Inform applicants about common scams and encourage them to be cautious of listings that seem too good to be true, ask for money up front, etc.
Meet or Video Call Potential Tenants: If possible, meet tenants in person or through a video call to verify their identity and discuss the rental terms. Requiring a matching photo ID during the application process is an added layer to ensure this is the same person.
Verify Tenant Information: Conduct a comprehensive background check, including credit, employment, rental history, and criminal records.
Red Flags for Landlords
To protect yourself and potential tenants from a scam like this, be aware of the following red flags during the tenant screening process:
- Paying All Cash Upfront: If a prospective tenant offers to pay the rent for the entire lease period in cash without a proper background check, be cautious. This can be a sign that they want to avoid detection due to illegal activities or poor credit history.
- Urgency to Move In: A tenant who is pushing to move in immediately, especially without seeing the property, should raise a red flag. They might be trying to rush the process before you notice any inconsistencies in their story or background.
- Lack of Interest in Viewing the Property: Be wary of tenants who do not ask to see the property or who are satisfied with just external views. Genuine tenants will usually want to inspect where they are going to live.
- Poor or Incomplete Documentation: If a tenant cannot provide proper identification, proof of income, or previous rental history, this is a significant warning sign. Scammers often avoid giving out personal information that can be traced back to them.
- Unusual Payment Methods: Be cautious if a tenant wants to use unconventional payment methods like wire transfers or cryptocurrency. Standard practices include checks, bank transfers, or credit card payments, which offer more security and traceability.
Organizations That Can Help
If you find yourself a victim of a rental scam, there are organizations that can offer assistance and guidance:
Federal Trade Commission (FTC): They handle complaints about deceptive and unfair business practices, including rental scams. You can file a complaint at ftc.gov.
Better Business Bureau (BBB): The BBB provides information on businesses, including complaints and scam alerts. Visit their website at bbb.org for more resources.
Internet Crime Complaint Center (IC3): This is a partnership between the FBI and the National White Collar Crime Center, and it allows victims to report internet-related criminal complaints. Visit their site at ic3.gov.
Local Law Enforcement: Contact your local police department to report the scam, especially if money has been exchanged.
By staying vigilant and informed, you can protect yourself and potential tenants from falling prey to these sophisticated scams. Remember, prevention is always better than cure, especially in the real estate market.
(Note: For examples of the three scams included, we have produced some of the content of this article using AI.)
Scott Bloom is owner and senior property manager of Columbia Property Management. For more information and resources, go to ColumbiaPM.com.
Dining
Behind the bar with Moon Rabbitās Thi Nguyen
Cocktails work in harmony with thoughtfully executed Vietnamese dishes
![](https://www.washingtonblade.com/content/files/2024/06/Thi_Nguyen_insert_courtesy_Moon_Rabbit.jpg)
Thi Nguyenās hands move purposely behind the bar, her all-business, cobalt blue nails gleaming under the warm lighting of recently relocated ā and highly celebrated ā Moon Rabbit. A dash of simple syrup infused with pandan ā a shrub native to Southeast Asia with vanilla-scented leaves ā moves deftly in her hands to lightly spice a cocktail that will soon receive another kick from ginger bitters.
Nguyen, Moon Rabbitās celebrated bar manager, cannot be accused of holding back flavors from her drinks. Nor can she hold back her identity and her journey. Her journey from Saigon to Maryland to California and finally to D.C., but also her journey as a proudly out lesbian, unafraid to bring her whole self to all her pours.
Boundaries, borders, conventions: these matter little to Nguyen, who left several homes to finally find herself where sheās most comfortable, and where she acts as a leader and mentor for others to do the same. Just as she doesnāt hide her identity, she also doesnāt hide that her cocktails complement Moon Rabbitās vibrant, contemporary Vietnamese cuisine. Owner/chef Kevin Tien pays tribute to his heritage as a first-generation Asian American, using Moon Rabbit as a platform for expressing his love for Vietnamese culture and food through a determinedly modern lens.
Her cocktails, then, work in harmony with thoughtfully executed dishes like chewy rice cakes under a tofu crumble and cured egg, deconstructed crab Rangoon, and wagyu-stuffed perilla leaves brightened by fermented honey.
Sitting with the chefs and acclaimed owner Kevin Tien, āwe begin by exploring cookbooks together,ā in a collaborative process, āto find inspiration and potential flavor combinations. It involves a lot of research and development, trial and error, experimentation, and technique.ā
āAnd while this sometimes leads to failures, it ultimately helps us discover the perfect pairings.ā
Her menu arrives without flavor hesitations. Cocktail names are given in both English and Vietnamese (as are the dishes), a signal that she is asking diners and drinkers to join her and trust her as unapologetic about her Vietnamese craft.
The Hįŗæt NĘ°į»c Chįŗ„m (Out of Dipping Sauce) drink is composed of vodka, passionfruit liqueur, a squeeze of lemon, and a simple syrup based on nĘ°į»c chįŗ„mā also known as fish sauce. While nodding to the popularity of the savory martini, this cocktail also reflects the ubiquity of fish sauce on the Moon Rabbit menu and across Southeast Asia.
Other ingredients? Sesame oil, coconut milk, palm syrup, and chrysanthemum all show up in various drinks, alcoholic or otherwise. She also creates cocktails that highlight and celebrate gay icons, drawing inspiration not just from the menu and research but also LGBTQ history and culture.
This pride in her work is reflected in the pride in her identity.
āBeing part of the LGBTQ community has taught me the importance of authenticity, resilience, and inclusivity. I am unapologetic about who I am and show up at work proud of my identity, which helps create a space where others feel comfortable and supported.ā
Tien, Nguyen, and his staff are highly intentional in staffing. āThis commitment to inclusivity is reflected in our hiring practices; we intentionally build a diverse bar team that includes members of the LGBTQ community,ā she says.
Just like her physical journey, arriving in this place of leadership and comfort took a circuitous path. In the face of microaggressions and ignorance, comments and assumptions, lack of understanding and respect, she has been able to āstrengthen my resolve to create an inclusive and supportive environment.ā She ensures that sheās active in events that raise funds for LGBTQ non-profits around the DMV area, including SYMAL, CCI Health Services, and KhushDC.
āI hope to encourage other LGBTQ individuals to pursue careers in hospitality and to advocate for greater inclusivity and acceptance in their own workplaces.ā
Moon Rabbit, formerly located at the InterContinental Hotel on the Wharf, closed with a shock last year (its closure took place among a unionization drive by the hotelās staff that the hotel had opposed). Debuting in its new location in Penn Quarter in January, Moon Rabbit quickly retook its place as a top dining destination: the restaurant was recently added to the Michelin guide. In June, Nguyen herself was named one of the best new bartenders in 2024 by Punch magazine. As Pride month closes out, Nguyen remains as dedicated to her craft ā and her advocacy ā as ever.
![](https://www.washingtonblade.com/content/files/2024/06/BMW_i7_xDrive60_insert.jpg)
Sometimes itās good to be a fairy godmother. Thatās how it was for me when organizing a surprise dinner party for my husband Robert, who was celebrating a milestone birthday.
Event planning isnāt my thing, yet somehow the stars aligned. It seemed like all I had to do was wave a wand and ā voila! ā the magic began.
Make reservations at a fave intimate restaurant, which often gets booked months in advance? Zing! Ensure that family and childhood friends from across the country could all attend the same weekend? Zing! Find a handsome pianist to serenade us with Broadway show tunes. Zing again!
The only thing missing: a stunning chariot. But then, at the last minute, my test car for the week turned out to beāzing!āthe all-electric BMW i7 xDrive60 glam sedan.
BMW i7 xDrive60
$121,000
MPGe: 87 city/95 highway
Range: 291 to 321 miles
Fastest charging time: 212 miles in 34 minutes (80% charged)
PROS: Hyper fast. Sublime cabin. Dazzling tech.
CONS: Pricey. So-so cargo area. A sedan in a world of SUVs.
IN A NUTSHELL: To drive or not to drive, thatās the question with the BMW i7. Rarely is it more exciting to be the passenger than the driver in a sports sedan, especially a Bimmer. But as I chauffeured my husband to the restaurant on his birthday, he seemed to be having way too much fun enjoying the dizzying array of creature comforts.
Spa treatment. The futuristic seats, made of quilted Merino leather, are as plush and comfortable as anything from Roche Bobois. But the optional cashmere/wool fabric looks and feels even better. All seatsāboth front and rearācome with ventilation and heating that activates much quicker than in most cars. The superb massage function does bodywork like a real masseurābut without the need to tip 20% when your session ends.
Concert-hall acoustics. Other high-priced rides offer premium audio, but the standard Bowers & Wilkens stereo in the i7 is bravo: 18 speakers and 655 watts. Better yet, my test car had the much-ballyhooed Diamond Surround Sound System, with 36 speakers powered by a 1965-watt amplifier. Yes, two of those speakers use actual diamonds to increase clarity. The result is perhaps the best-sounding vehicle acoustics ever.
IMAX-like screen. The Rear Executive Lounge Seating package adds a reclining right rear seat with footrest and a center console with foldable table that serves as a floating desk. Think first-class seating on an airplane. Most impressive is the huge, 31-inch 8K theater screen that drops down from the ceiling and comes with Amazon Fire capability. All rear window shades lower and the panoramic-glass roof shade closes when in theater mode. Built tastefully into the armrest on each rear door is what looks like an Apple iPhone to control the rear lighting, movie screen and other functions. Any home theater system should be so good.
Racecar features. Up front, the driver is spoiled with many other goodies. A curved digital screen, the same as in the cutting-edge BMW iX SUV, houses a 12.3-inch instrument cluster and 14.9-inch infotainment monitor. Two motorsāone for each axleācreates an impressive 536-horsepower. Press the accelerator andāwhoosh!āthe i7 sprints from 0 to 60 mph in just 4.1 seconds. The amazing auto-leveling suspension absorbs potholes and speed bumps as if this 6,000-pound sedan were floating on air.
Rolls-Royce aura. BMW, which also owns Rolls-Royce, has sprinkled the i7 with stately design cues. This includes softer, more graceful styling and none of the severe, chiseled angles of previous BMWs. Other plusses: Swarovski crystals in the headlights and 22 precision-focused LEDs in the high beams. But the illuminated grille, while impressive, has a more ominous vibe. (Stephen Kingās Christine, anyone?)
Full-size comfort. The i7 is a full-figured ride, more than 17-feet long and 6.4-feet wide. Hereās where the automatic parking comes in handy, allowing this BMW to parallel or perpendicular park itself. Trunk capacity is 18 cubic feet, which is decent but less than some competitors. Inside, though, there are plenty of clever storage compartments.
A pretty penny. Full of options, my test car was a wallet-busting $152,000. But thatās a bargaināwell, sort ofācompared with the high-performance i7 M70. With 650 horsepower and a 0-to-60 time of 3.5 seconds, the M70 is the fastest all-electric M car ever made. It also costs $169,000.
Alas, such sticker prices are too rich for my blood. Sorry Robert, maybe if we win the lottery.
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