Advice
Advice: Is love enough
When a partner changes in an unexpected way, is the relationship worth holding together?
Dear Michael,
Iāve been married for almost two years and love my wife very much but Iām also unhappy and not sure I want to stay in our relationship.
When we met, Diane had been working in a pretty undemanding, 9-5 job that she got right out of college and was planning to go on to law school. But since we got married she has changed her mind and just wants to stay where she is. Iām sad that she doesnāt want to challenge herself and that she isnāt as ambitious as I am. Sometimes I am a little embarrassed when weāre with friends, pretty much all successful, talking about our careers, and she doesnāt have much to say. Also, the kinds of dreams weāve discussed (nice house, travel, being able to take time off to raise kids) donāt seem as feasible if sheās low on the earning ladder. I think sheās not keeping her end of the deal and although I try not to let it bother me, I sometimes get mad and donāt even want to be close to her. So our sex life is suffering, too.
I have told Diane how I feel but it hasnāt made a difference. She says that she likes her job and the people she works with and that her life suits her fine. She says we can do all the things we dream of doing even if she stays where she is, but I donāt think thatās realistic and I think itās unfair that I should have to be the one who works really hard to make a good enough living for us to have the lifestyle we both want.
Should I look for someone who wants to be an equal partner with me? Aside from this, Diane is a great person and has the biggest heart in the world.
Michael replies:
Letās start with the big picture. You love Diane, but sheās not meeting your expectations and you believe she has reneged on the plan you made together.
Whether we like it or not, people change, not always in ways that we welcome.Ā Of course, when our partners change, it affects us, but that doesnāt mean we get to decide how theyāll change. You canāt insist that Diane do what you want her to do. What you can decide is whether or not you are willing to live with Diane as she is.
This crisis is an opportunity to get clear on what is most important to you. Do you want a power partner more than you want the Diane you are with? If so, you might decide to end your relationship, because you have no guarantee that Diane will ever become the ambitious woman you would like.
Of course, even if you find someone who seems like a better fit, you may run into the same problem down the road, as you can always count on people changing in unpredictable ways. And then you will be in the same predicament in which you now find yourself. So you may decide that it is worth staying with Diane and her big heart. If you stay, you would benefit from finding a way to do so without resentment, because resenting your partner is a great way to have a miserable relationship. Then the question is: How do you stay with a person who is disappointing you in some important way?
The answer is that you actually donāt have a choice, if you want to be in a relationship. Sooner or later, anyone you are with will let you down, in large and small ways, because all people are different and at times will have very different priorities. It follows that if youāre going to be in a long-term relationship, you must learn to tolerate major disappointment. And Diane is giving you a great opportunity to figure out how to be close to, love and be sexual with someone who is letting you down.
Pay attention to how you let the actions and views of others affect you. My take is that you base your self-esteem to some degree on what you and your friends think of your wifeās level of ambition, rather than having your sense of self come from how you feel about yourself and your choices.
Finally, keep in mind that youāre probably not the only one in your relationship whoās disappointed in her spouse. I can imagine that Diane may be let down by your greater focus on career, by your expectations of her and even by your disappointment in her. Neither of you is āright,ā of course. You each have your views of how you want to live your life and what sort of partner you want to be with. If youāre going to be coupled, you will both have to figure out when you can yield, when to hold firm and how to honor what is most important to both of you.
Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with gay couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at personalgrowthzone.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to [email protected].
Advice
How much fighting is OK in a relationship?
I love my boyfriend but we canāt agree on anything
Dear Michael,
How much arguing is OK in a relationship?
Sometimes I think Iād like to spend the rest of my life with my boyfriend Adam but other times he drives me absolutely crazy.
We get into these fights where he just refuses to see it my way. He insists heās right and digs in until I agree he has a point. He can never just agree with me or let it go.
The thing is, he doesnāt always have a point and if I wonāt concede that he does, he says I donāt respect his intelligence.
Our fights range from Madonnaās talent (or lack thereof) to what is or isnāt OK to eat for breakfast, to whose job it is to take out the garbage, to what the best abs exercises are, to where we should go on vacation this summer, to whether recycling plastics accomplishes anything, to whether we should have sex in the morning or at night. Iām sick of it!
On the other hand, Adam is smart, funny, and super-hot.
Is it normal for couples to fight so much? I donāt know why itās so hard for him to see it my way sometimes.
Michael replies:
Sounds to me like you guys are in an ongoing power-control struggle where one of you is continuously trying to influence the other (power move), and the other one is continuously refusing to be influenced (control move).
Thereās nothing āwrongā with making power and control moves. We all do them, all the time. Theyāre part of every relationship: Writing this reply, Iām making a power move, in that Iām wanting to influence the way you think about your relationship. If you disagree with me, youāre making a control move by not accepting my influence. No problem at all: You donāt have to let me (or anyone) influence you.
The problems arise when these moves become the ongoing operating system of your relationship. One of you keeps telling the other person how to behave or think, or what is ācorrectā; and the other wonāt agree, no matter what the issue. You each dig in. Warmth and collaboration go out the window. You canāt have a loving relationship when youāre mired in a power-control struggle.
The problem is not that you two see things differently. Thatās an unavoidable part of life. In any relationship, partners will at times have very different opinions, even about very important matters. The problem is that youāre choosing to argue about it, to try to prove that you are right and the other person is wrong. He wonāt see it your way and you wonāt see it his way.
Notice that Iām putting you in the same boat as Adam. Thatās because youāre joining him in this dynamic.
One thing you two can do to get out of this dynamic is to stop arguing about things that are a matter of opinion. Itās not possible to prove youāre right. Doing so just gets you dug in against each other.
In general, itās a waste of time to argue about why you are right and your partner is wrong. If you win the argument, your partner loses. And if one of you is the loser, you both lose because you wind up with a bitter relationship.
Instead, you could have fun enjoying the reality that each of you has very different opinions, even about very important things, and each of you has the job of figuring out how to live and generally be happy with someone who is different in some big ways from you.
If you each start letting yourself be influenced by your partner, even if you donāt always agree on whatās ābestā or āright,ā youāre going to open yourself up to all sorts of experiences, possibilities, and ways of looking at things that you hadnāt considered. Thatās one of the great ways that relationships push us to grow.
If you think I have a point, Iām glad. You may decide youād like to make some changes in your relationship. Remember, though, that Adam is his own person. Perhaps youāll be able to influence him to consider a new way of approaching your differences, perhaps not.
That said, you have a lot of power over yourself. And if you decide you donāt want to keep getting stuck in power-control struggles, you can change this dynamic on your own simply by not participating. Not in a game-playing, āIām right and youāre wrongā way, but by taking the position, over and over, that you two are different and sometimes see things differently, and you arenāt going to fight about who is right and who is wrong, because that isnāt going to get you anywhere good.
(Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online atĀ michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it toĀ [email protected].)
Advice
After 16 years together, my wife suddenly wants children
āI donāt want to be stuck in restrictive heteronormativityā
Dear Michael,
A few months ago you answered a letter from a guy who wanted a baby but his boyfriend didnāt. Iām in the opposite situation. Carol and I have been together for 16 years (weāre married) and all of a sudden she wants to have a baby. This was never on the table until her dad died last year suddenly of a heart attack.
Since then sheās been a different person. She tells me that she wants to focus on something ābiggerā than just enjoying life and also wants some sort of sense that ālife will go on.ā
To me, being queer has always meant that we get to fully live life in the present, for us. We donāt have to focus on having kids and all that entails: fertility stuff, sleep deprivation, diapers, babysitters, PTA obligations, college tuition, etc. Let straight people deal with those headaches while I enjoy myself.
I donāt want to be stuck in restrictive heteronormativity, giving my time and energy to a kid whoās going to go from crying to whining to tantrums to rebellion to not talking to me. And then expect me to pay their bills after theyāre 18.
And why crowd the planet even more? In my opinion, having a baby on this planet is selfish sentimentality.
Carol and I always saw 100 percent eye-to-eye on this issue but now sheās gone over to the other side. I have shared all of the above to shake some sense into her but havenāt gotten anywhere. This was not our agreement at all.
I know you canāt change someone else, but doesnāt she owe our relationship a commitment to the life we already agreed on? Iāve suggested grief counseling but she says no.
Michael replies:
No one owes their partner a commitment to not change. Itās a guarantee that we all change over time. Relationships challenge us to stay with someone as we both evolve in big and sometimes unexpected ways over the years. There’s no way around this challenge if you want to stay happily married.
Itās also true that you donāt have to keep living with someone who changes in ways you donāt want to accommodate. So, if Carol is certain that she wants to be a mom and if you are certain that you donāt, you can leave.
It makes sense that youāre sad and angry (putting it mildly) when your wife suddenly wants to completely upend your life. That said, youāre not going to improve your marriage by criticizing Carol or insulting her wish to parent. And if you pressure her to give up a deeply held wish, she will likely resent you.
Instead of these tactics, how about being curious regarding her desire to parent? What ābiggerā meaning is she hoping to get from life? How does she think her fatherās untimely death affected her, not just on this issue but possibly in other ways as well?
Thereās great value in being curious about our partnersā differences rather than contemptuous or critical. Thatās a path toward greater intimacy, in that we get to deeply understand the person we are spending our life with. While you may not stay with Carol, you still might want to have a close and caring relationship with the woman youāve spent 16 years with. Understanding her better might also help you make some peace with her desire to parent.
I also want to encourage you to consider that there are many ways to be gay, lesbian, queer ā to be just about anything. You could say itās āheteronormativeā to want to parent; but you could also view it as a common human (and non-human) desire that is unrelated to sexual orientation. Carol has different ideas for how she wants to live. This doesnāt mean that she is foolish.
Iām curious about why you have such an unrelentingly negative view about parenting and kids. Is it possible that you’ve had some tough experiences in your life that have shaped this view?
Iām not pushing you to change your mind, but you might consider talking with some parents to get some sense of what parenting, and children, are actually like.
You might open up your thinking, and your heart. You might decide you are willing to lean in Carolās direction, or you might not. In any case, I’m hopeful that you would get a more balanced picture of what parenting and childhood can be.
Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online atĀ michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it toĀ [email protected].
Advice
Should I divorce my husband for the hot new guy in our building?
Debating whether to leave or stay after the sex goes cold
Dear Michael,
Iāve been with my husband for 10 years and the sex is pretty much gone. It stopped being exciting a long time ago and pretty much the only time we ever do it is with the occasional third.
A really hot guy moved into our building about a year ago. We would see each other sometimes in the elevator or at our buildingās gym and we started talking and really hit it off. Mark is 15 years younger than I but we seem to have a lot in common. We started hooking up and the sex is amazing.
I havenāt told my husband because itās breaking our rule about no repeats. I have to say that the secrecy is hot. Itās kind of a thrill to take the elevator upstairs when I say Iām going on an errand. But itās more than that. I have a connection with Mark that is far more amazing than what I have ever felt with my husband. Not just the sex. We just enjoy being together, talking about anything and everything.
My husband went to visit his family last weekend and I spent the whole time with Mark. Since then I canāt stop thinking that I want to leave my husband and be with Mark.
Part of me thinks this is a crazy mid-life crisis. I mean, this kidās in a totally different place in life. But we have mind-blowing sex and a fantastic connection. Iād like your thoughts on how to proceed.
Michael replies:
Youāve got a lot to consider.
First: Sex with a long-term partner changes over time. It tends to be less about erotic heat and more about the connection with a person whom you love. In other words, itās being with the person youāre with that makes the sex meaningful and even great. Having a good sexual relationship with a long-term partner comes far more from a heart connection than from a crotch attachment.
Second: You seem ready to throw your relationship under the bus pretty quickly, without addressing other problems in the relationship besides sex. When you are sneaking around, lying, and rule-breaking , I donāt see how you can look your husband in the eye; and if you canāt look him in the eye, you certainly canāt have even a half-way decent relationship.
Yet another point to consider: Affairs pretty much always seem more exciting than marriage. The partner is new, which almost automatically makes the sex hotter; the secrecy is a thrill; and you donāt have to deal with paying the rent, house chores, and all the petty annoyances of living up-close with someone day-in, day-out.
You are bringing lots of energy to your affair, and everything about it is exciting. You are bringing no energy ā at least no positive energy ā to your marriage. You get what you put into a relationship.
Divorce is not something that should be entered into lightly. Be aware that if you leave your husband for Mark, you will no doubt find over time that the sex becomes less exciting and that the connection is not always fantastic. No surprise, 75 percent of marriages that begin with affair partners end in divorce. While I donāt think statistics predict what will happen to any particular couple, believing that you will have a significantly better relationship with your affair partner than you did with your husband sets you up for likely disappointment.
Many gay men focus on “hot sex” as the big draw, pursuing a lot of sex with a lot of men, and/or pursuing an ongoing series of relationships that last until the sex cools. If thatās what you want, thatās fine. But itās a different path from pursuing a close and loving long-term relationship, which involves knowing someone well and having him know you well; collaborating on getting through the hard stuff life throws at us; finding ways to make peace with disappointment; and consistently striving to be someone worth being married to.
How to proceed? While you are the only person who should make that decision, I would suggest that whatever your choice, keep in mind that marriage can be more than what youāve made of it, so far.
Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online atĀ michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it toĀ [email protected].
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