News
Gay ambassador reflects on U.S. efforts in Ukraine
Baer talks monitoring mission, being openly gay in negotiations with Russia

Gay U.S. ambassador Daniel Baer is representing U.S. interests during the Ukraine crisis at the Organization for Security & Cooperation in Europe (Washington Blade photo by Michael Key).
Amid the ongoing crisis in Ukraine following Russian President Vladimir Putin’s military incursion into the country, the Obama administration is relying on a gay ambassador to help de-escalate tensions.
Daniel Baer, U.S. ambassador to the Organization for Security & Cooperation in Europe, has in the days since the start of the crisis been working with envoys at the Vienna-based pan-Atlantic international forum to address the situation — in addition to keeping the world updated via his Twitter account.
His priority for the moment is achieving a consensus to allow a OSCE-based monitoring mission to enter Ukraine, although he admits he’s under “no illusion” that will be easy in a body on which Moscow has veto power.
In an interview with the Washington Blade via phone from Vienna after the third emergency meeting at the forum in as many days, Baer described the multi-level approach the United States is undertaking to de-escalate tensions in Ukraine.
“In the past, we’ve seen in other situations where there have been similar concerns raised, a monitoring mission [has worked] by both assessing and reporting facts on the ground and by being there to work to mediate tension and addressing the concerns that have been raised,” Baer said.
But Baer’s participation has significance because he’s openly gay and handling negotiations with a country that is known for enacting anti-LGBT laws and having an anti-LGBT climate.
Nonetheless, Baer, 37, said he’s never felt that his sexual orientation has been an issue for Putin’s representatives at OSCE.
“Just like being gay, working with the U.S. ambassador is not a choice, and I’m ready to work with all of them,” Baer said.
Founded during the Cold War, the OSCE was set up as a forum for the United States and the Soviet Union to speak about concerns and has become a pan-Atlantic forum now comprising 57 European, Asian and North American countries.
After the U.S. Senate confirmed Baer in August as U.S. envoy to OSCE, he relocated to Vienna with his partner of three-and-a-half years Brian Walsh, 27, a physicist now working at an international think-tank on environmental issues.
The transcript of the interview between the Washington Blade and Baer follows:
Washington Blade: How would you characterize the situation in Vienna as the crisis in Ukraine unfolds?
Daniel Baer: I guess a couple things. The OSCE is a big political organization, and an operational entity that has field offices in 16 countries, including Ukraine and many independent institutions that are doing things all the time. So, there’s been kind of two levels of activity.
One, there’s been a sense of urgency in terms of getting the existing capacities of OSCE mobilized to engage in Ukraine, and particularly in Crimea now, in the ways that they can to help de-escalate tension. So, there’s a High Commissioner for National Minorities, the Swiss special envoy who’s the current ambassador to Germany now, but a designated special envoy to Ukraine who sits as the chair of the OSCE right now. The Representative on Freedom of the Media, they just arrived in Crimea a couple hours ago, and then the project office in Kiev is being supplemented.
In addition, because OSCE does arms control, and military transparency, the Ukrainians have invited military monitoring missions. They have an invitation for two military monitors from every participating state in the OSCE.
Then, there’s the political side, and lot of people focus on the downside of the OSCE, which is you operate on consensus. And it’s a big tent that includes the Russian Federation, the United States, Canada and basically everybody in between — and Mongolia. That is both a hindrance, in the sense that it makes consensus harder, but it’s also an asset in the sense that the other project that we’re starting to work on now is trying to develop a mandate for a new special monitoring mission to Ukraine and that will require consensus, but the upside is that if we can find a description of a mandate that works for everyone, it will also have the political value of being blessed by Ukrainians, the Federation, the EU countries, Turkey, ourselves and Canada.
So, it’ll have broad backing. And so, we’re kind of taking the two-pronged approach of mobilize quickly everything that’s already set up and teed up, and ready to go, and also look at this kind of near-to-medium term possibility of setting up a monitoring mission.
That’s something that I’m under no illusions — I think it’s going to be very hard, and really all we can do is tee it up, and leave that door open. And if and when the Russian Federation decides to engage on that and walk through that door, we’ll be ready to work with them.

U.S ambassador to the Organization for Security and Cooperation in Europe (OSCE) Daniel Baer addresses the media following a meeting. (Photo public domain)
Blade: What makes setting up that monitoring mission “very hard”? I know Moscow has veto power on the OSCE, so how likely is it that we’ll actually see that happening?
Baer: I think the answer is it won’t happen unless Moscow decides that they see value in it, or they think it can be useful. I think our position all along has been there are a variety of concerns that have been raised by the Russian Federation, including concerns about the security of their military base and the human rights of the Russian minority in Crimea, and Ukraine more broadly, etc. There are obviously concerns that are being raised by the Ukrainians themselves about a Russian military incursion on their territory.
But the way to address the concerns that the Russians have raised is not through sending in troops, but through a monitoring mission. And this is an alternative for them. In the past, we’ve seen in other situations where there have been similar concerns raised, a monitoring mission [has worked] by both assessing and reporting facts on the ground and by being there to work to mediate tension and addressing the concerns that have been raised. Yes, they have to choose to take that route instead of the illegal and illegitimate route that they are currently taking, but… one of the ways in which we can make de-escalation more likely is by teeing up that choice, so they can make that choice. …
Blade: Let’s get a little personal. What do you think is the significance of an openly gay person representing U.S. interests in diplomacy with Russia, a country that has passed laws against gay people?
Baer: You know, I think to all of my colleagues when I showed up here in Vienna, most of my colleagues only knew one or two things about me. Everyone knew that I was gay, and the other thing talked about was that I was young. Other than that, they knew that I was an American ambassador. Six months later, it’s certainly more important that I’m the U.S. ambassador than anything else about me, and I have a decent working relationship with all my colleagues.
I have a weekly meeting with the Russian ambassador, and Brian and I have invited him and his wife to the Marine ball along with others. So, we built a working relationship. I guess it would be an interesting question for him. For me, I’m trying to do my job the best I can and represent my country the best I can.
I think one of the strengths that America has is that we increasingly — there’s still work to do on many dimensions — but we increasingly have a diplomatic corps that represents our diversity, and part of that is important because it makes us more effective. Part of that is important because it more accurately represents the country. And it’s super important because part of what others see as valuable and powerful and engaging and attractive about America is the promise of progress toward a society that embraces rights for everyone. I don’t see that as having anything to do with me, per se, but to the extent that there’s a broader story there. I think it’s valuable that we continue to make progress on that front.
Blade: So no Russian officials refused or expressed any reluctance to negotiate with you because of your sexual orientation?
Baer: I have not had any experience where they have refused to engage with me. For some people, whether Russian or otherwise, I’m the first ambassador from the United States that they’ve known was gay and they have to work with. I guess one of the advantages of being the U.S. ambassador in a multi-lateral institution is that it’s pretty hard to be effective and not work with the U.S. ambassador — one way or the other. Just like being gay, working with the U.S. ambassador is not a choice, and I’m ready to work with all of them. And I certainly go into it giving everybody the benefit of the doubt that it isn’t an issue because it shouldn’t be an issue.
Blade: You said they haven’t refused, but have they expressed any reluctance to work with you because of your sexual orientation?
Baer: Not to me. Not to me. If they have, they’ve kept it from me.
Blade: Let’s get back to the bigger picture. Regarding Secretary of State John Kerry’s visit to Ukraine, what impact do you think it’ll have on the situation?
Baer: I think the secretary has actually come and has already arrived in Paris, and will meet with [Russian] Foreign Minister [Sergey] Lavrov in Paris tomorrow. But he spent today in Kiev. I think everybody recognizes that the people of Ukraine have a new temporary government. An election’s declared for May 25. It’s usually important that there is strong support for free and fair elections, and a free and fair campaign environment. Everybody is rightfully focused on the security crisis in Crimea, and also in the rest of the country, there’s a lot of work to do.
And I think the people of Ukraine need to be supported in their efforts to build a prosperous, free, democratic Ukraine. And that’s going to take a lot of support from the international community, and I think Secretary Kerry is going to demonstrate our support for the transition government that is there until the election and our willingness and readiness to help support them in their efforts to build a free, democratic Ukraine.
Blade: How is Kerry being there having an impact as opposed to monitoring the situation from overseas?
Baer: Well, I think, certainly there’s a diplomatic value to it in terms of the conversations that you have, and, of course, it also sends a signal. So if being there sends a signal that the depth of the U.S. commitment and our engagement with the government, I think that signal is an important one to send, particularly at a moment like this.
Blade: What about sanctions? A number of European countries seem reluctant to impose sanctions on Russia. What actually can this administration do to convince its NATO allies and trading partners to get on the program for sanctions with real teeth against Russia?
Baer: Oh, I think the president and Secretary Kerry have had a number of conversations over the last 72 hours and 96 hours with allies and partners in Europe, and I think although the EU has its own function, and we have ours, etc., I think there’s a lot of strong cooperation right now on ways to respond to Russia’s illegal actions…I think there is strong cooperation between the U.S. and the E.U. and individual member states in the E.U. making clear that the Russian incursion and military presence is unacceptable and that they need to go back to their bases, and that it’s up to President Putin to do the right thing and de-escalate the situation.
Blade: Do you see that co-operation extending to an agreement on sanctions with Europe with regard to Russia?
Baer: Like I said, the secretary and president are working very hard to keep our allies and partners appraised of our steps, and to coordinate those. I think those conversations are ongoing, and I think that that strong cooperation will continue.
Blade: What do you think Putin is trying to accomplishment with this incursion? Restoration of the Soviet Union?
Baer: I don’t know. That’s a question for President Putin. I don’t know what he’s trying to accomplish, but certainly the steps that he’s taking are not contributing to stability in the region, to the future of a strong Ukraine, which Russia has everything to gain from as a close neighbor. Russia and Ukraine are going to have a relationship determined by geography if not by partnership, and so Russia has everything to gain from a strong Ukraine. There’s not an either-or choice, and the actions that Mr. Putin have taken are a violation of international law, they’re a violation of many commitments the Russian Federation has made, including here at the OSCE with respect to the sovereignty and territorial integrity of participating states. And they’re a violation of reason, and they are not in Russia’s interest, and certainly not in Ukraine’s.
Blade: What’s your reaction to today’s news that Putin said he sees no reason for Russian forces to intervene in eastern Ukraine at the moment but that Russia “reserves the right to use all means at our disposal to protect” Russian speakers if they are in danger?
Baer: I think I reject the rationale that has been offered for the military incursion and invasion so far, and there’s no defensible rationale for further movement. The right direction for the troops to move is not further, but back to their bases.
Blade: Do you think that comment is troubling?
Baer: Like I said, I think there’s no good rationale for the Russian Federation to have its troops on Ukrainian soil.
Blade: Do you see any scenario in which this crisis will escalate into military engagement involving the United States?
Baer: Nobody wants an escalation into war, so all of our efforts are focused on de-escalating the situation through direct diplomatic engagement and the deployment of an international monitoring force either through the OSCE or the UN. They’re other ways to approach this, but we’re certainly working around the clock to the head in that direction.
Blade: Is it safe to say military engagement is off the table?
Baer: That’s not a question for me.

U.S. ambassador for the Organization for Security and Co-operation in Europe (OSCE) Daniel Baer with partner Brian Walsh. (Image public domain)
Blade: Let’s get back to some personal stuff. How is the situation with Brian since you’ve moved to Vienna and since the start of his crisis?
Baer: I get to spend far less time with Brian, but other than that it hasn’t changed anything. We’re settling well, and he’s incredibly supportive.
Blade: Do you have any anecdotes about any activities you too had engaged in since you’ve moved to Vienna?
Baer: Well, it’s been a big change because it’s a new country and a new job. And we’ve been skiing in Austria, and that was fun. Being a diplomat overseas is very different from working in the State Department. One of the advantages being here in this post is you have 56 other ambassadorial colleagues and there’s an interesting and diverse group of people to get to know.
We’re settling into that world, and the whole time, we’re very, very much aware of the fact that this is a temporary arrangement. We’re trying to make the most of it. Enjoy the hard work, enjoy the fun and cool parts of the job.
Blade: Let’s get back to Russia. How do you evaluate how Russia handled the Olympics?
Baer: I think we’re all glad that the Olympics came off without any security incidents, etc. I think, as everyone knows, there was a great deal of investment of resources and political attention in the Olympics, and I was proud of U.S. athletes.
Blade: There were reports that were some arrests of demonstrators, including those protesting about LGBT rights. Were you aware of that and do you think they were cause for concern?
Baer: Yes. It’s always of concern when there are arrests of people protesting. In the Russian Federation, unfortunately, it’s not extraordinary. And there were arrests this past weekend of protesters who were protesting Russia’s invasion. Several hundred people were detained, I believe. I should check the reports. And there was a sentence last week of protesters, people who protested in the Bolotnaya Square, protests in 2012. So, Russia’s recent record on freedom of expression and freedom of association and assembly is not encouraging.
Blade: Russia has passed anti-gay laws that were criticized by the international community. Now that the Olympics are over, what is going to happen to LGBT people in Russia?
Baer: I think there are two things. One, we will continue to call out the so-called gay propaganda law and the other laws that have either been proposed or enacted along with it. Obviously, they’re inconsistent with internationally recognized human rights, and that such laws not only affect gay people, but the broader population, and also have a teaching effect, which creates a climate in which the rights of LGBT rights are most likely to be disrespected. We’ve seen an uptick in the kind of vigilante beatings of LGBT people posted online. The climate of intolerance that such laws encourage is something to be deeply concerned about.
That said, I think one of the things that it’s really important to focus on is that it’s not only gay people who have their rights trampled in the Russian Federation. Minorities, migrants from neighboring countries that represent minority populations suffer enormous discrimination, and obviously any Russian citizen has a hard time expressing political views that are critical of the government or joining a peaceful protest. The anti-gay laws are actually happening against a much broader recession on human rights more generally.
Blade: And what do you think is the best way forward to address that by the international community?
Baer: I think first of all, I always start from the premise that lasting change comes from within, so to continue to shine a light on human defenders and advocates who are making the case for change where they are — both LGBT, and more broadly, the human rights defenders and activists — and to call out the cases when their rights are violated. I think making the case to the Russian population more broadly as well to Russian leadership that a strong stable Russian Federation does not come from doubling down on restrictions it comes from democratic progress, including people who have respect for human rights. You have to make the political argument, and you have to call out the failures, and to continue to press, and know that doors will open where you don’t expect them, and you need to be ready to walk through them.
By calling out people’s situations, you remind them that they’re not alone and that they have people who are with them, and, over the long run, you push and you push and you push.
There’s a strong civil society that understands all of the reasons why the backsliding on human rights more broadly is bad for business, and all around it’s bad for Russia, and that trajectory needs to be turned around.
Blade: What about upcoming plans for you and Brian?
Baer: We’re getting married this summer. We haven’t quite figured that out yet because same-sex marriage isn’t legal in Austria, but we’re working on that. But in August.
Maryland
Joseline Peña-Melnyk elected Md. House speaker
Family immigrated to New York City from the Dominican Republic
By PAMELA WOOD | Moments after being elected speaker of the Maryland House of Delegates Tuesday, state Del. Joseline Peña-Melnyk stood before the chamber and contemplated her unlikely journey to that moment.
Born in the Dominican Republic, the Peña family lived in a small wooden house with a leaky tin roof and no indoor plumbing. Some days, she said, there was no food to eat.
When she was 8 years old, the family immigrated to New York City, where Peña-Melnyk was dubbed “abogadito” or “little lawyer” for helping her mother and others by translating at social services offices.
The rest of this article can be read on the Baltimore Banner’s website.
District of Columbia
D.C. students need academic support, diverse connections for economic mobility
Region offers array of resources for families in need of assistance
Education is the blueprint of good economic mobility.
But when students aren’t set up with the proper resources to secure a quality education, it’s often low-income families that suffer the most, For Love of Children (FLOC) Executive Director LaToya Clark said. Children from low-income families on average grow up to earn $25,600 annually, according to Opportunity Insights.
D.C. families need better economic mobility, and experts say that starts with kids getting an education and breaking generational poverty cycles. Students without a high school diploma earn $738 per week on average, while those who graduated high school earn roughly $930 per week, according to the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics. Contrarily, those with bachelor’s degrees earn about $1,543 per week.
Students from low-income backgrounds have fewer financial advantages on their paths to securing an education, and hardships faced by public schools make it difficult for them to catch up, Clark said.
From local financial and educational assistance programs to strengthening diversity among educators, here are a few ways researchers and advocates are fighting for better economic mobility in D.C. schools.
Student assistance programs
For many students, falling behind academically is because of circumstances outside of their control, Clark said.
She said teacher shortages, large classrooms and scarce funding can lead to an educational environment not fully equipped to set students on the right path. A one-dimensional education can then hinder future professional opportunities and give students limited economic mobility.
That’s where local organizations like FLOC come in –– to fill in the academic and social gaps often left open by schools.
Clark said FLOC has multiple services that give underserved students a more individualized academic experience. For the Neighborhood Tutoring Program, students are assessed at the grade level at which they’re performing, not what grade they are in. They’re then matched with a volunteer –– ranging from college students to retirees –– who follows a curriculum that matches the student’s performance level.
There’s also the Pathways Forward Program, an afterschool opportunity for D.C. youth in 7th to 12th grades designed to increase high school graduation rates. The program supports those at risk of academic failure to find a successful way forward, and those in 10th to 12th grades to prepare for graduation or transition to postsecondary programs. Both Neighborhood Tutoring and Pathways Forward are free.
“Everything we offer is designed to close achievement gaps, help our students boost their confidence and ensure young people have the skills and support that they need to succeed in schools and beyond,” Clark said.
And that design is working for students. Clark recalled a young girl who was the oldest of six who felt a need to help her mom take care of her siblings. She was falling behind in school until she found FLOC. The girl credited her ability to go to college and find a professional job to FLOC’s individualized and accessible approach to education.
FLOC is a reliable resource for D.C. youth to get academic help, but there are numerous other organizations working to close educational gaps and improve the future economic mobility of students.
Minds Matter D.C. helps underserved students find accessible pathways to prepare for and succeed in college. The organization offers mentoring, SAT prep, access to summer enrichment programs and guidance through the college application and financial aid process.
The work Minds Matter does addresses a disproportionate statistic: While roughly 89% of students from “well-off” families attend college, only 51% of students from low-income families do so, according to a report published by Brookings. Minds Matter reported that 100% of its students attended a four-year college or university.
The D.C. Schools Project, a program of the Center for Social Justice, offers academic help and English-language tutoring for low-income and immigrant families. Each semester, roughly 60 tutors assist about 100 students, their families, and other D.C. immigrants.
D.C. CAP Scholars has a mission to connect youth with financial and academic opportunities that will help them succeed in college. Registration is now open for the organization’s Ward 7 & 8 scholarship, a $12,000 annual scholarship for students who attended high school in those D.C. wards. Those areas encompass communities such as Congress Heights, Deanwood and Anacostia, which are some of the city’s poorest areas.
RISE offers tutoring and college mentoring to underserved populations. Its primary focus is on opportunity academies, including the three in D.C.: Ballou STAY, Luke C. Moore and Garnet-Patterson STAY. These academies are “second chance” schools for students who didn’t complete high school on a traditional timeline.
RISE Executive Director Ricardo Cooper said the organization offers real-time tutors for students in these academies through its Keep Up Tutoring program. RISE also provides summer literacy “bootcamps” and college prep for underserved students.
As a native Washingtonian, Cooper said he wishes opportunities like RISE were available to him as a kid. That’s why it’s so special for him to lead the organization and help D.C. youth rise above the academic and economic barriers he used to face.
“We know that going to college and getting a degree makes you more money,” Cooper said. “Being able to have these programs to support youth in school, to make sure that they feel confident once they graduate high school, to go to college, to feel confident in completing their coursework and just understanding the material is important to raise that poverty line.”
While these programs are crucial to many students’ success, Matthew Shirrell, associate professor of educational leadership at George Washington University, said there are many fundamental solutions to supporting kids that schools should recognize.
Diverse learning opportunities
Shirrell’s research has identified a key link to the positive relationships between teachers and students: diversity.
“Having a more diverse teaching workforce would certainly benefit all students, because it’s like their teachers having access to a library with a whole bunch of different perspectives,” Shirrell said.
He said teachers have a continuously growing list of responsibilities not just academically, but in dealing with social and emotional issues that students bring to school. By having a diverse team of educators in each school, teachers are better equipped to connect with students to turn potential barriers into new pathways.
But achieving this is about more than championing diversity –– it’s a way for students to secure better futures and stay out of the criminal justice system, Shirrell said.
Shirrell pointed to the idea of “exclusionary discipline.” In his research, Shirrell found that Black and LatinX students were significantly less likely to be suspended from school when they had teachers who shared their racial or ethnic background.
Teachers of different backgrounds than their students tend to rely on harsh disciplinary action, when in reality the situation could come down to cultural misunderstandings or misconceptions, Shirrell said.
In the long run, this disciplinary bias can disproportionately impact underserved communities. Shirrell said relentless discipline can lead to the students making poor decisions outside of school and potentially ending up in the criminal justice system.
At such a formative age, students need the support, understanding and guidance that only a diverse population of educators can bring.
“You really can’t get that from a book,” Shirrell said. “The best way to learn that is from working alongside somebody who you know is doing things differently than you. There’s tremendous value to having a diverse workforce, whether that be racial, linguistic or economic.”
Securing an education from open-minded teachers is especially important in underserved pockets of D.C., such as Wards 7 and 8. D.C. youth can experience completely different lives and opportunities just by living around the block. Diverse educators can help fill social gaps, but having students from different economic backgrounds share a classroom pushes them to see different points of views and develop their critical thinking skills, Shirrell said.
Luckily, that sentiment rings true in D.C., a city with high social capital –– or the likelihood of low-income people and high-income people becoming friends or crossing paths. About 50% of the friends of low-income people have high incomes, and low-income people are only 4.7% less likely to friend high-income people they meet, according to Opportunity Insights.
Though there’s never one simple solution in growing economic mobility for students and their families, Cooper, the RISE executive director, said having educators who embody multiple perspectives –– as well as ensure students are aware of the financial and academic support programs available to them –– are strong ways to set a child on a brighter financial and professional path.
“There are a lot of factors that also go along with [improving economic mobility], but chances are better once students feel confident in who they are, confident in what they can do and go to college and excel,” Cooper said.
This article is part of a national initiative exploring how geography, policy, and local conditions influence access to opportunity. Find more stories at economicopportunitylab.com.
News
Why queer spaces often fail South Asian women
Homosexuality stigmatization often compounds discrimination in conservative cultures
Uncloseted Media published this article on Dec. 16.
By NANDIKA CHATTERJEE | “I want to change your last name to make it sound whiter,” Sonali “Alyy” Patel remembers her white girlfriend saying to her while they were spending a quiet evening at home.
Patel felt a wave of grief wash over her. “I [have] to give up my South Asian-ness in order to be in a queer relationship,” she remembers thinking.
Patel and her girlfriend had been dating for some time and were sketching out a future together, even starting sentences with, “When we get married.” But as they built a foundation, she continued to feel marginalized because of her Indo-African heritage.
“I remember I was in [my girlfriend’s] household, and her father made a comment that was racist to brown people,” Patel told Uncloseted Media. When her girlfriend called him out, Patel remembers him responding by saying, “You were racist before you started dating a brown girl.”
Patel, a 29-year-old researcher and LGBTQ activist living in Vancouver, Canada, says comments from girlfriends and society kept popping up. So she began investigating them academically and went on to create the Queer South Asian Women’s Network.
In a 2019 study she published in the Journal of Lesbian Studies, Patel conducted in-depth narrative interviews with nine queer South Asian women in Toronto. She found that these women routinely experienced microaggressions, erasure and pressure to conform to white, Western queer norms, with one participant being told her queerness wasn’t that important during a conversation with her partner. Another said she was advised by friends and family to stick to other people of color when it came to dating.
This discrimination is often compounded in many conservative South Asian cultures where homosexuality is still stigmatized and viewed as a violation of religious or family values. In addition, women are expected to uphold family honor through modesty, heterosexual marriage and self-sacrifice.
A 2019 Pew Research Center survey found that only 37 percent of Indians believe homosexuality should be accepted by society, compared to majorities in most Western nations.
In Patel’s experiences in queer circles, she believes that what often felt like a visceral sense of South Asian identity loss was actually enforced assimilation. “I had no language or framework to understand that this was racism. I grew up in a white town. … People were very openly racist and okay with it,” she says. She adds that in addition to facing racism in LGBTQ spaces, South Asian women face rejection for being queer at home.
“Our families are like, ‘Haha no, you’re not gay,’” she says.
Coming out
Patel says coming out poses unique challenges for South Asian women compared to women of other ethnicities.
In a 2025 study in the Canadian Review of Sociology, Patel interviewed 40 queer South Asian women in Canada and found that staying closeted can protect them from judgment from family and community.
This leaves these women vulnerable to contrasting pressures where their LGBTQ circles want them to come out.
“There was a participant who [was told by another] queer woman who was white that she just needs to ‘try harder to come out to [her] family,’” says Patel. “But that’s not how it works. [She] did try coming out to them, [but] they didn’t listen.” When she did come out, she was told by her family, “You’re not really gay.”
“Our culture prizes silence, sacrifice and family reputation over individual truth, so falling in love with a woman isn’t just about your personal life,” Suja Vairavanathan, a life coach in Essex, England, who works with South Asian women, told Uncloseted Media. “It feels like you’re challenging an entire system.”
Vairavanathan, who grew up in a traditional Indian family, came out later in life.
“For me, it wasn’t a typical ‘I always knew’ story. I didn’t grow up identifying as gay or even questioning my sexuality,” she says. “I spent 20 years in a marriage, raising kids, living what looked like the ‘right’ Tamil woman’s life. Then I fell in love with my best friend, who happened to be a woman.”
After Vairavanathan left her marriage, she came out in a TikTok video where she is smiling ear-to-ear with on-screen text reading: “You’d have to be a little delulu to think that a 42-year-old Tamil divorcee, mum of two sons, eldest daughter, recently turned gay woman had the audacity to show up on social media and live life unapologetically.” Her caption added: “Yet here I am.”
While there were many positive comments on the video, Vairavanathan says the backlash from many folks in the South Asian community was intense: “I had comments calling me ‘a disgrace,’ saying I’d ‘ruined my family’s name,’ even messages telling me I was ‘corrupting Tamil culture’ or that I must have been ‘brainwashed by the West.’ People reduced my whole life to a scandal just because I chose to live honestly.”
Internalized shame
This community rejection can be painful. “It wasn’t strangers attacking me. It was my own people, speaking the same language I grew up with, who decided I didn’t deserve respect anymore. And that hurts in a way racism from outsiders never could, because it feels like rejection from your own bloodline,” says Vairavanathan.
Mental health professionals who work with South Asian clients say that collectivist traditions, where family reputation is often prioritized over individual expression, can lead to the stigmatization of LGBTQ identities.
On the AAHNA South Asian therapy website, they write that understanding taboos associated with sexual orientation “is crucial for effective therapeutic practice, as they can significantly influence mental health and well-being.”
Balancing dual identities
Jiya Rajput, a British Indian content creator and founder of the QPOC Project, says the balancing act of her sexual and racial identity can be tough: “Being both South Asian and queer sometimes feels like having two vastly different identities,” Rajput told Uncloseted Media. “I have tried my best to blend my queerness with my desi identity. However, it is not often easy, with stereotypes and prejudice sometimes making me feel out of place.”
This balancing act may involve navigating stereotypes and racism inside queer spaces, which can have negative mental health outcomes. A 2022 survey of LGBTQ Asian Americans found that discomfort with one’s race or ethnicity within queer communities was associated with lower psychological well-being for those who consider their racial identity important.
Dating as a queer South Asian woman
Balancing this dynamic can make dating challenging. A 2023 study revealed that queer Asian American women are frequently subject to rigid racial dating preferences, with most preferring to date within their own racial group, often as a reaction to feeling fetishized or rejected from white queer spaces.
And even dating within communities of color presents its own set of challenges. “Racism is not exclusively a white people’s issue,” Patel says, noting that she experienced subtle discrimination with another girlfriend who was Punjabi.
“[She] was genuinely trying to relate with me, she just couldn’t,” she says.
Patel remembers her girlfriend holding many assumptions, such as the belief that all South Asians share the same cultural traditions, such as Bhangra, a lively Punjabi dance, or Garba, a traditional Gujarati folk dance performed during festivals.
“It comes from a place of just wanting to be seen for their own culture,” Patel says, noting that many people of color aren’t accustomed to being truly heard or understood. “There’s so much excitement in dating someone from a different background that sometimes you forget to actually listen and receive the culture through their lens.”
When South Asian women do decide to date white women, Patel says it can feel like one “should just assimilate … and try to keep the pressures of being brown [and] growing up in a stricter, possibly patriarchal, culture at bay.”
These pressures in queer spaces caused Lavina Sabnani to leave her culture behind in an effort to feel accepted.
“It felt wrong to push away everything my ancestors carried with them for so long,” Sabnani told Uncloseted Media. “There’s a standard of whiteness at Pride, at lesbian parties, at cultural and social clubs. … Me and the other brown girls never get noticed. It was like you’re invisible within a community where you’re supposed to be counted in.”
“Being a lesbian South Asian means breaking the mold in every possible way,” says Hubiba Ali, a first-generation Pakistani American, self-described “butch lesbian” and food scientist from Chicago. “Pakistani women I was raised around don’t wear boyish clothes, have short, cropped hair, thick muscles, and hairy legs. They do not eat with gusto, laugh and joke boisterously, or take up space. I gave up a lot of my birthright participation in my culture in order to live free.”
Underrepresented and under researched
To make change, Sabnani says South Asian representation in queer spaces is essential. But it’s not happening yet. According to GLAAD’s “Where We Are on TV” 2024-2025 study, Asian Pacific Islanders represented only 11 percent of LGBTQ characters on broadcast, 2 percent on cable and 14 percent on streaming.
Even shows that strive for diversity, like “The L Word: Generation Q,” fail to include South Asian characters. “They had everyone — Black, Latinx, East Asian — but not a single South Asian woman,” says Patel.
She recalls a dating app called Her that featured an image of two white women kissing — one of whom had a tattoo of a Hindu deity.
“They’ll use our gods, but not our faces,” she says.
Outside of Patel’s research, little information exists about racism and homophobia toward queer South Asian women.
And even in queer nightlife, Ali describes feeling sidelined. She says that while there are a few South Asian LGBTQ organizations in Chicago, finding meaningful representation is hard even in those scenes.
“They tend to be hosted in a part of town colloquially known as ‘Boystown,’ which semantically already does not center women or lesbians,” she says. “The events are usually held at gay bars for gay men.”
Finding acceptance
Patel says that to make spaces truly inclusive, folks need to “start by listening to queer brown women, understanding our unique challenges, and amplifying our voices.”
And despite all of these challenges, many queer South Asian women are still surviving and building a more inclusive future.
Artists like MANI JNX, a British Punjabi indie musician, are using music to explore queer South Asian love, trauma and joy. And visual creators like Mina Manzar are building online communities through art. “Funnily enough, here in NYC, so far from Pakistan, is where I’ve found the most vibrant and beautiful South Asian queer community,” Manzar told Uncloseted Media.
As for Patel, she has found a relationship with a Tamil woman that is grounded in mutual respect and cultural exchange. “I’ve learned how to make Tamil food, I’m learning the language, and she comes to Garba with me and dances every year,” she says. Their shared commitment to honoring each other’s traditions illustrates the importance of genuine cultural understanding in queer relationships that goes beyond surface-level acceptance or stereotypes.
Her hope is that the commitment to understanding that she has developed with her partner can become more reflective of how society tries to understand the experiences of queer South Asian women.
“Let’s just address each racialized group as a different racialized group and give them some damn visibility,” Patel says. “It’s not that hard.”
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